Groundbreaking Achoo: The Man Who Sneezed Faster than Sound

Dec 18, 2023, 1:08 AM

In the tranquil, everyday town of Somnolent Suburbia where the most exciting event is the bi-annual lawn gnome refurbishing competition, an event of seismic proportions splitter shattered the decibel barriers. Meet Fred, the local library's favorite patron, a bona fide puzzle master, and the town's reigning Checkers' champion. Also apparently, the one man nasal wind machine with the potential to distress the acoustic existence.

Fred, last name Achoo (no kidding, I swear on my grandmother's last quilt!), sneezed. A simple, biological reactionary mechanism so common that it warrants no second thought. Except this wasn't your everyday garden-variety sneeze. This April morning, Fred Achoo threw caution to the very loud wind and blew out a sneeze that journeyed beyond the speed of sound!

As our editors were diligently verifying the scientific plausibility of Mr. Achoo's auditory tumult, we stumbled upon a mathematical equation suggesting that the velocity of a sneeze directly corresponds with the circumference of one's nostrils. We're sure a Think-Nobel is in order. (Or at least a gold star sticker?!)

The sonorous sneeze sent the small sleepy town of Somnolent Suburbia into a state of utter bewilderment, cats scurrying up tree branches, and Mrs. Miggins' prized China collection playing a round of ring-a-ring o' roses with gravity. Local birds experienced spontaneous GPS malfunctioning, dogs developed temporary ventriloquism, and Phil the barber for a moment had six customers to cater to – a cosmic complexity in this humble town.

Meanwhile, Fred, in the epicenter of the commotion, dusted off his pants, gave his nose a customary pat (the town salutes you, warrior!), and resumed his heated game of checkers against the library's resident goldfish, Psammead, blissfully oblivious to his landscape of sonic devastation.

The local weather reporter (“Weathery Ted,” as he is known at the local cafe) was initially stumped, predicting sonic 'sneeze-booms' was, admittedly, not in his repertoire. However, he quickly rode the bandwagon, declaring “Chances of afternoon sneeze showers around 3 pm. Keep your raccoon-ear earmuffs handy!”

A pair of undeterred paranormal dreamers, the Katzenjammer Kids (no relation with the comic strip), seized the moment and proclaimed the town as the epicenter of a new parallel dimension, the Sneeze-niverse.

The curious case of Fred Achoo and his grandiose, ground-breaking gust has, in its own little way, sneezed some spice onto the mundane canvas of Somnolent Suburbia. Thechnophiles are jostling to turn the sneeze-quake energy into renewable power, parents are convincing their children to cover their mouths (and noses) while sneezing and earmuff sales have seen a definite spike.

As for our hero, Mr. Achoo, he has considered taking up trumpet lessons, seeing his extraordinary expulsion of air not as a bizarre medical anomaly, but as a promising musical talent and not to forget, we might soon witness a nasal concert. You heard it first here, folks. Or maybe you felt it, vibrationally.

Somnolent Suburbia now eagerly awaits the next gust from this human wind turbine. The question on everyone’s lips (and nostrils) is – can Freddie Fast-Floo do one better? Can we expect a sneeze to break the light barrier next? This small-town tale of turbulence is nothing to be sniffed at. Stay tuned to Wibble as we closely follow Fred's every 'Achoo'!

This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.