Heathen Action Figures Drowned in Deluge: the Latest Twist in Religious Toys

Nov 25, 2023, 3:29 PM

In a shocking turn of events, the toy industry, in collaboration with the theological wisdom, has introduced an all-new twist in Christedly education geared towards extracting a modicum of wholesome pleasure while instilling a livid fear of divine wrath. We present to you the latest mockingbird of spirituality, the New Noah's Ark playset. This isn't your run-of-the-mill preacher-fed storybook trying to narrate an ancient tale without pictures. It's a fully immersive, dove-flying, water-rising, heathens-screaming kind of storytelling you can actually feel in your fingers.

The Noah's Ark playset brings with it a special surprise, the heathen action figures. Or sinners, if you prefer the term. Featuring lifelike representations of wrongdoers with a penchant for forbidden fruit and other nefarious activities, these 'heathen' dolls come with adjustable limbs and an uncanny ability to float and then really, truly sink.

So you might ask, what's the purpose of these miniature evildoers' inclusion? Well, it's simple. You, the God-proxy of this microcosmic deluge, get the absolute pleasure of being the divine executioner, handing down God's wrath in a deluge of bathroom-tap water. Yes! These heathen toys are designed explicitly for drowning—in your bathtub, in your swimming pool, even in your sacred cup of Sunday morning coffee if it pleases you.

There's nothing quite like witnessing the existential dread on the paint-smudged faces of these 'heathens' as they meet their maker literally. Prepare your youngest for the harsh realities of life, and the even harsher possibilities of the afterlife. Who says religious education can't be interactive, engaging, and mildly traumatising?

A word of caution: try to not recreate the deluge using orange juice or cola. It's a pain to debug a heathen clogged with sticky sugars. Or worse, a flock of ants attracted by this succulent drowning spot. Trust us, a pious experience can quickly turn into a miniature insect Armageddon. Stick to plain, age-old H2O for that authentic experience.

And let's not forget the beautiful ark! Handcrafted from the finest splinter-free plastic, this vessel is the S.S.Titanic of biblical times (minus the iceberg and Celine Dion’s heart, that will go on and on). It comes complete with paired animal figures, Noah, and his family members—all of whom have a divine destiny to not get drowned. How about that for a non-floating spoiler!

The New Noah's Ark playset is the perfect blend of spiritual learning and sadistic joy. It takes the tired old saying, 'forgive and forget' and twists it into a more 21st-century slogan, 'remember, and drown a representation of your transgressions'. So next time your child commits the gravest sin of not cleaning their room or sneaking cookies before dinner, remember to advise them that it's nothing a little drowning can't fix!

In conclusion, the New Noah's Ark playset is a veritable hit among the theologian circles and masochistic believers, giving a whole new meaning to the idea of baptism by water. As we anticipate the toy industry's next dive into biblical lore, dare we say animated burning bush toys or true-to-life Jonah's Whale swallowing action figures—only time (and divine salvation) shall tell.

This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.