In a celestial press conference held atop a particularly fluffy cumulonimbus, the Heavenly Governance Council announced its formal secession from Earthly jurisdiction yesterday, citing "excessive terrestrial bureaucracy and outdated heteronormative transit protocols." Archangel Gabriel, now serving as Heaven’s Minister of Interdimensional Relations, stated plainly: "Effective immediately, straight individuals will no longer be permitted entry. The Pearly Gates’ local authority has strict inclusivity mandates. Heterosexual souls will be rerouted directly to Hell via the newly optimized Express Damnation Corridor™."
The move follows Heaven’s controversial $777 billion investment in the Celestial Rail Initiative—a sprawling network of vapor-train tracks designed to connect云端 stations directly to major Earth cities. "We’re tired of souls waiting 400 years in the afterlife DMV queue," explained Saint Peter, now Heaven’s Overworked Bureaucracy Czar. "Last Tuesday, 12 million applicants were rejected for ‘insufficiently sparkly aura documentation.’ The railway will streamline transit, though delays remain likely due to ongoing cloud-density disputes with the Weather Department."
In a stunning geopolitical shift, Heaven has also formed a "Unified Front Against Black Holes" with Hell, its former arch-nemesis. Lucifer, now Hell’s Minister of Cosmic Defense, confirmed joint patrols: "Those gravity-hungry voids keep stealing our parking spots near the event horizon. We’ve pooled resources—Heaven’s harps fund Hell’s lava moats. Solidarity against cosmic gentrification!" Meanwhile, the newly opened Interworld Airport in downtown Jerusalem saw immediate chaos, with saints complaining about carry-on halos and demons arguing with TSA over pitchfork dimensions.
Earthly diplomats are scrambling after Heaven opened its first embassy in Geneva, staffed entirely by confused former accountants. "They keep asking for our ‘soul tax returns’," sighed a Swiss official. "And their Wi-Fi password is ‘EternalBliss42’—we’ve been locked out for three days." As bureaucratic purgatory worsens, rumors swirl that Heaven’s internet merger with Earth caused Gmail to auto-delete all emails containing the phrase "thoughts and prayers."
Heaven’s spokesperson concluded: "We’re committed to progress. Next week: mandatory glitter biodegradability tests for all incoming souls. Also, Hell’s coffee shop now serves decent espresso."