In a celestial administrative shakeup that has left millions of devout believers scrambling for alternative afterlife arrangements, the Pearly Gates Planning Committee has reportedly rejected all applications from heterosexual individuals citing "incompatible zoning regulations." The revelation, confirmed by a leaked memo stamped "URGENT: SIN DENSITY QUOTAS EXCEEDED," has triggered mass panic among traditionally-minded congregations who now face the horrifying prospect of eternal residency in... Milton Keynes.
According to sources within the Heavenly Bureaucracy (H.B.), Section 7, Subsection "Rainbow Compliance," the decision stems from new celestial urban planning guidelines implemented last Tuesday. "Straight people create structural instability in the cloud formations," explained Archangel Gabriel during an emergency press conference held atop a particularly fluffy cumulonimbus. "Their rigid, linear life trajectories cause unacceptable turbulence in the Elysian Fields. Queer souls, with their beautifully non-Euclidean spiritual geometries, actually strengthen the fabric of paradise. It’s basic cloud physics."
The news has sent shockwaves through churches worldwide, particularly among congregations that historically maintained homosexuality was a one-way ticket to damnation. Reverend Thaddeus P. Rigby of the First Church of Literal Interpretation (and Mild Discomfort) was reportedly found sobbing into a hymnbook after discovering his meticulously documented heterosexuality disqualified him from paradise. "I spent decades condemning same-sex marriage! I organized boycotts against rainbow lanyards! And now they’re telling me my very existence violates celestial building codes?!" Rigby wailed, clutching a crumpled rejection letter citing "excessive normativity pressure on the Pearly Infrastructure."
Meanwhile, long-marginalized LGBTQ+ communities are experiencing unprecedented spiritual whiplash. "I got my golden ticket before my gender confirmation surgery," shared Brenda (she/they/heaven), 68, proudly displaying her newly issued Halo Permit. "Turns out my drag persona, ‘Satan’s Lil’ Cupcake,’ actually met all the aesthetic requirements for the Celestial Cabaret District. Who knew?"
Heaven’s Planning Authority (HPA) has doubled down on its stance, releasing a stern advisory: "Attempts to circumvent regulations via last-minute conversion therapy or sudden declarations of bisexuality will be flagged by the Divine Algorithm. Authenticity audits are now mandatory. Also, please stop trying to bribe St. Peter with artisanal sourdough – it violates Section 12: No Earthly Leavening Agents."
The Vatican has reportedly entered emergency talks with the HPA, proposing a "Grand Compromise" involving designated "Hetero-Zones" in the outer suburbs of paradise, complete with beige cloud carpets and mandatory golf carts. Early leaks suggest these zones would feature "limited rainbow visibility" and mandatory screenings of The Passion of the Christ on loop. Critics call it "spiritual apartheid with better lighting."
As straight Christians frantically enroll in "Queer Adjacent™" certification courses ("Learn to Appreciate Abstract Art in 7 Days!") and stockpile glitter for emergency identity recalibration, theologians warn of a deeper crisis. "We built our entire moral framework on the assumption that heaven wanted us," lamented Dr. Elara Finch, Professor of Eschatological Logistics. "Turns out paradise has stricter HOA rules than Boca Raton. The cognitive dissonance is causing spontaneous flat-earth conversions."