Hermit’s paradise? Zark Muckerberg pulls the plug on socializing with BookFace

Feb 8, 2024, 2:31 PM

In a world, where retweets, likes, shares, and comments are measure of one's self-worth, an astounding news shook the internet universe. Billionaire, tech tycoon, and sock enthusiast Zark Muckerberg announced his latest inception - BookFace, an innovative 'antisocial' media platform designed exclusively for internet hermits.

Unlike the dopamine-fuelled platforms we're accustomed to, BookFace encourages users to do the unthinkable – avoid unnecessary social interactions and indulge in the charm of their own company. The primary concept? To reverse the effects of habitual social media use, mitigating the digital overload and allowing users to experience life in their own singular sphere. Somehow, we've ended up in a timeline where being an introvert is not just cool, it's marketable.

"Who has the time to care about someone’s cousin's hamster's birthday party in Idaho?" asked the puzzled Muckerberg during the announcement. Ensuing laughs clarified that no attendees have hamsters with upcoming birthdays in Idaho.

BookFace’s interface takes a page from yesteryears, reminiscent of the times when MySpace was a thing, and snakes were only played on mobile phones. To reinforce the solitary aspect, the predominant color scheme is acres of beige. Yes, that's right, "acres of beige" just like your grandpa's old quirky hand-knitted cardigan or the underwhelming bathroom tiles of a 70's B-movie set. "It's not ugly, it's 'retro'," they said.

Of course, there are features to further stimulate the antisocial behaviour, or in other words, to mentally teleport users to the blissful Sahara desert of solitude. For starters, there are no annoying notifications. Actually, there are no notifications at all! Yes, you're staring at a screen filled with 'noble silence'. Secondly, the chat feature has been replaced with 'Monologues'. Here, you can talk to yourself about your 2 AM thoughts, debate over the practicality of pet giraffes, or indulge in an inspiring soliloquy about socks.

But it's not all bad – surprisingly enough, "Hermits Corner" is a popular feature amongst users. It's where one can anonymously share quotes, hobbies, and existential crises. Surprisingly, or perhaps ironically, this feature has turned into a supportive community of... you guessed it, hermits.

The announcement of BookFace raised some eyebrows up north in the tech giants' alley with many wondering if this is a genuine attempt to combat social media addiction, or just a ballsy marketing move. Muckerberg shrugged off such assumptions, attributing them to those who couldn't appreciate the joys of focussing on a wall for three hours straight.

Whether this 'antisocial' media platform will change the course of digital communication or end up like another Google+ is yet to be seen. Nonetheless, it sheds light on an undeniable irony of our times - we've become so habitual at connecting with other people from around the world, that we've almost forgotten how to connect with ourselves.

Perhaps it's time we surrender to the quiet echoes of 'antisocial' media, sit back, relax, and enjoy the charm of an internet devoid of viral cat videos, feisty tweet mobs, and never-ending stories of people sipping mojitos in The Caymans. After all, what's more thrilling than engaging in a passionate debate about the best kind of jam for your toast? Spoiler alert – it's always strawberry.

This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.