Historians were left reeling this week as they came to a shocking realization: much of what we know about history has been fabricated by the winners.
"In hindsight, it seems so obvious," said Professor Jameson Smith, a historian at Harvard University. "All throughout history, the victors have been writing the narrative to make themselves look good. It's really quite brilliant when you think about it."
The bombshell revelation has cast doubt on everything from famous battles to the legitimacy of political figures. "We always assumed that the history books were accurate," said Smith. "But it turns out that much of what we learned in school was a complete lie."
Take, for example, the story of George Washington and the cherry tree. According to the popular tale, a young Washington received a new hatchet as a gift and proceeded to chop down his father's cherry tree. When his father confronted him about it, the young Washington famously replied, "I cannot tell a lie."
But according to newly discovered documents from the time, the story is completely fabricated. In reality, Washington was a sly and cunning child who often lied to his parents. "It's just one example of how the winners have been making up history all along," said Smith.
Another example is the account of the Battle of Hastings, which has been taught in schools for centuries. According to the traditional story, William the Conqueror defeated King Harold in a hard-fought battle in 1066. But according to newly uncovered documents, the battle was actually a farce. "William and Harold were actually friends," said Smith. "They cooked up the whole thing over a pint of ale. The battle was nothing more than a staged performance for the masses."
The revelation has sparked outrage among historians and academics, who feel like they've been duped. "It's outrageous," said Professor Samantha Johnson, an expert in ancient history at Oxford University. "We've been teaching lies to our students for generations. It's shameful."
But not everyone is upset. Some people are even celebrating the news. "I always knew that the history books were full of crap," said longtime conspiracy theorist, David Michaels. "Now I finally have proof. It's a great day for truth-seekers everywhere."
Whatever your opinion on the matter, there's no denying that this revelation is a major blow to our understanding of history. Who knows how many other lies we've been told over the years? One thing is for sure: the winners will never be able to look at history the same way again.
