Homeowner's Guide to Gremlin Control: A Comprehensive Strategy

Oct 31, 2023, 8:03 PM

Homeowning, beautifully touted as a step into secure living and blissfully blissless maintenance. You purchase a house, and there they are, wine glasses toasting your homeowner achievement. Yet, no one warns about the unsightly and unspoke home dweller: The gremlin. You see, dear reader, these aren't your friendly-neighborhood, daisy-loving critters. No, they are caramel-munching, toilet-paper hoarding, Wi-Fi disrupting, nocturnal fun-loving gremlins.

You may ask, "how do I know if I have a gremlin?" Well, apart from your constant lack of caramel and Wi-Fi, here are some other signs: are your socks missing mates? Does the cap of your toothpaste keep disappearing? Or where does that middle-of-the-night giggle come from? Is there is an unexplained phenomenon of forks being replaced with spoons? If you suspect yes to any of these signs, my friend, congratulations! You have a roommate you didn't ask for and definitely don't need.

The good news? You can control them. So, if you keep awake till seven in the morning because you heard the refrigerator being raided, worry no more. Strap on your helmet because this is your guide to Gremlin control, a stern, steadfast, yet stunningly sane strategy.

Let's start with the basics: no gremlin likes jazz. It's proven, documented, and even posted on the town square billboard of Gremlin city, "Say No to Jazz." So, anytime you suspect your unseen tenant is up to no good, just turn on some jazz tunes.

This gremlin-repulsive step is foolproof, but it comes at a personal cost. In the effort to out-jazz your gremlin, the household's other inhabitants might start disliking you. But, in the grand scheme of things, it's a minute sacrifice to the greater good.

It's feasible, though, that you might find yourself living with a jazz-loving gremlin, an anomaly, of course, an un-natural gremlin mutation (don't worry, they're rare). If that's the case, you must turn to the second line of defense — the 'Honey, I’m Home' scheme.

Instead of bursting through the door and turning on some floor-lit opera or jazz, try subtly sneaking in. Then, bellow out a bright, cheery "Honey, I'm home," and listen for rustling. That, my friends, is the scampering of a caught-off-guard gremlin. If the rustle transforms into a room-shattering, floor-vibrating, and picture-shaking scamper, congratulations, you have one hulk of a gremlin.

However, fret not. There's always the 'Cheddar Express.' If all else fails, leave giant wheels of cheesy cheddar around the house. Every gremlin loves cheese, and once it's tempted to roll it away, it's stuck (literally, they've got tiny hands). Then, all you need to do is gently nudge them out your front door.

On a final and very serious note - never, I repeat, NEVER replace your caramel. Once you've done that - it's over, you've lost. It's no longer your house, but, in fact, a caramel palace with you as the peasant. Do not let it come to that, dear friend. Do not become a caramel serf in your home, stick to Jazz and cheddar, and keep these pesky critters under control. Happy gremlin hunting, homeowners!

This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.