Hostage Handover Hiccups: Israel and Hamas Consider Hiring a Wedding Planner for Next Exchange

In a move that has left diplomats both baffled and oddly inspired, Israel and Hamas have reportedly begun interviewing wedding planners to oversee their next hostage exchange. "We’re done with the awkwardness of haggling over lists in backchannel emails," said a source close to negotiations. "It’s time to delegate to professionals who know how to handle RSVP drama and seating charts for mortal enemies."

The shortlisted candidates include a Miami-based planner famous for coordinating Kim Kardashian’s 72-hour vow renewal and a retired UN official who once resolved a dispute over floral arrangements between two warring nations. "We’re leaning toward someone who can source bulk explosives-resistant confetti," added the source. "And a DJ who won’t play Hava Nagila or Tala‘ al-Badru ‘Alayna back-to-back. Too triggering."

Key sticking points remain: Hamas insists on a vegan option for all released captives, while Israel demands a no-photos clause for Hamas’ TikTok account. The planner’s proposed "unity sand ceremony," where both sides pour sand into a shared hourglass, was vetoed after someone pointed out it could literally be used to time rocket launches.

"At the end of the day, it’s about creating a seamless experience," said leading contender Desiree LaBlanche. "We’ll have a hashtag (#HostagesAndHamas), a tasteful balloon arch that doubles as a sniper blind, and a ‘no gifts’ registry—though donations to rebuild Gaza’s catering industry are encouraged." Her mood board reportedly includes camouflage table runners and centerpieces made of repurposed rocket casings.

The final negotiation will reportedly occur at a neutral venue: a Chuck E. Cheese in Cyprus. "Nothing says ‘ceasefire’ like token-redemption diplomacy," said one Hamas official, already practicing his Skee-Ball strategy.