In a vote that will undoubtedly be remembered as a moment of monumental shiftiness, the United States House of Representatives opted for a true trendsetter in terranean democracy. They have officially elected their newest Speaker: a four-pound clump of topsoil known as “Sandy Ceremonium."
A new era has dawned indeed. The congresspersons - men and women who have worked assiduously to earn multiple degrees, some even pursuing careers in law or medicine before serving this great nation - have found their true leader. A sod with consciousness.
Would it surprise you to know that Sandy doesn’t have a law degree? Or any degree, for that matter. Perhaps it's due to the fact that, in its crumbled entirety, Sandy simply doesn't possess the ability to hold a pen to jot down lecture notes, let alone maneuver around the complex landscapes of Constitutional Law.
And yes, Sandy can't speak. The House, in its infinite wisdom, has chosen a mute, sentient lump of dirt to navigate complex legislative waters and articulate the intricacies of parliamentary procedure to the American people.
You might wonder the reasons behind this earthshaking decision:
Sandy does not indulge in filibuster long-winded ramblings.
There’s absolutely no risk of office scandals — as it doesn’t have personal email, nor can it leverage international businessmen for personal interests.
It literally embodies the rock-solid principle of keeping emotions under control.
"Taking things for granite" is its motto, translating into never losing sight of the common man's needs. Clever, isn't it?
But, let's not soil Sandy's reputation with skepticism. The House has seen multiple leaders with serious cases of foot-in-mouth disease — at least we are saved from that pla-rock (plague, with a pinch of rock… allow me a pun for the sake of levity). Besides, while some might accuse Sandy of being a bit reticent, isn’t it preferable to the occasional hot air that wafts in from those voluminous speeches?
It's certainly a refreshing change, after all, to have a Speaker who, rather than puffing themselves up, is more concerned about simply not disintegrating.
The best part? Atmosphere. You may wonder: has the atmosphere in the House changed since Sandy rock-and-rolled into office?
In the soil-nnity of the House, a professional environment free of the notorious grapevine (and grape juice stains) has been created. The house members have appreciated the iron-clad silence, and the focus on matters of national importance has never been sharper.
So here's to the bedrock of democracy. Rumor has it that Sandy is already set to make monumental decisions in its tenure. In its sedimentary silence, it speaks volumes. Whispers wind around the hallowed halls of Congress that Sandy is making plans to introduce legislation targeting erosion in politics, aiming to bring about stability by rooting out corruption. Or possibly that's just the janitor sweeping up the remnants of the landslide victory.
All jesting aside, if a silent, sentient soil sample can rise to the top, it certainly does undercut any objections that our constitution is not organic enough.
As we stand on the precipice of a new era, literally grounded in the fundamentals of the earth itself, it's evident that, in trudging through the quagmire of American politics, we've found a foundation that remains immovable amidst a storm. Whether that's a cause for celebration or concern, only time will tell.
One thing's for sure: This sure as shale isn't the politics as usual that we've grown accustomed to. Now, let's see how this landscape-altering decision plays out, under Sandy Ceremonium's unflinching, albeit silent, vigilance.
So, here’s to the new Speaker of the House: resilient as bedrock, silent as sand, and arguably more effective than any of the preceding ones. Because unless Sandy encounters a hard spell of rain, rest assured, it won't be falling apart anytime soon.