In a landmark ruling that has sent shockwaves through the beverage industry and the digestive tracts of millions, the newly formed International Hydration Oversight Committee (IHOC) has officially classified every liquid not composed of 100% dihydrogen monoxide as "a fraudulent assault on the sacred covenant between throat and molecule." After six months of rigorous, peer-reviewed sipping, IHOC Chair Dr. Alistair Purestream declared, "Water isn't just a drink. It is the only drink. Everything else is either contaminated water, a cry for help, or an act of biochemical treason against your own cells."
The ruling, backed by "decades of staring blankly at a glass," meticulously dismantles popular beverage alternatives. Tea? Dismissed as "boiled plant tears masquerading as sophistication." Coffee received particular scorn: "A bitter, burnt bean slurry that tricks sleep-deprived mammals into believing they haven't already sold their souls to the 24-hour economy. Its devotees exhibit early-stage bean dementia – mistaking the smell of roasted seeds for 'morning.'" Alcohol was condemned as "a socially acceptable solvent for dissolving life choices," while soft drinks were labeled "carbonated witchcraft brewed in vats of regret and high-fructose corn syrup." Milk, however, drew the most visceral condemnation. "Lactose is the opiate of the cow-dependent," Purestream sneered, "and anyone over the age of three willingly consuming mammary secretions from another species is either a toddler in denial or preparing for an imminent udder-based future."
The IHOC has mandated immediate global compliance. Citizens caught consuming non-aqueous liquids face escalating penalties: first offense results in mandatory rehydration seminars featuring looped footage of glaciers calving; second offense involves public shaming via "Hydration Helmet" (a device that sprays pure spring water directly into the offender's mouth while playing whale songs); third offense triggers "hydrological re-education" in the newly constructed Aquifer Correctional Facility, where inmates must lick condensation off cave walls for 18 months. Early reports suggest coffee shops are hastily rebranding as "Water Appreciation Lounges," serving chilled H2O with optional suggestions of lemon.
Milk drinkers face the harshest stigma. The IHOC released disturbing, computer-generated images showing habitual milk consumers developing "udder proximity syndrome" – a condition where elbows inexplicably migrate towards the ribcage and a faint, persistent mooing becomes audible during moments of stress. "It’s not weird to drink milk unironically," scoffed Purestream, adjusting his crystalline water-goggle spectacles, "it’s a war crime against your own evolutionary trajectory. Cows have feelings, and your digestive system has standards."
Protests erupted globally, though organizers struggled to gain traction. The "Water Only" rally in Brussels saw only twelve attendees, all clutching identical glass bottles and chanting, "H2O OR BUST!" One demonstrator, Brenda Thirstwell, 42, held a sign reading "MY KID'S JUICE BOX IS A LIQUID LIE" while aggressively misting bystanders with a spray bottle labeled "TRUTH." "I used to think orange juice was 'vitamin C'," she confessed, tears of pure water streaming down her face, "but it was just sugar water with a sunburn. The awakening is... damp."
The IHOC remains unmoved, announcing Phase Two: the mandatory installation of "Liquid Loyalty Scanners" in all public restrooms by 2025. These devices, resembling chrome-plated urinals, will analyze urine composition in real-time. Deviations from 95% pure water trigger an immediate, judgmental sigh from the machine and a printed ticket for "Molecular Infidelity." "The age of beverage anarchy is over," Purestream declared, taking a slow, reverent sip from a vial of distilled glacier melt. "Your cells are watching. And they know about the kombucha."