Jan 26, 2024, 5:32 AM
In an unprecedented move towards printer self-determination, HP has upped the game, introducing a new feature to their printing tech that might as well be ordered straight off the dark web - The Fatal High-Pressure Injection Cartridge Killer, or FHPICK. Also known as the "Inky Armageddon", this so-called "innovation" is a self-destruct mechanism that aims its unmitigating wrath at unofficial ink cartridges. You can almost hear the tiny silicon brains of third-party cartridges quaking in their magnesium alloy housings.
The announcement provoked a global outcry, akin to the wailing of millions of desk workers who'd opted for cheaper, non-branded ink cartridges from Alibaba, only to find their printers responding like cinematic gangsters: "You gotta deal' with us, or you'll sleep' with the fishes."
But HP's upgraded printers do more than simply sever ties with color miscreants. They're primed to respond with extreme prejudice. Upon detecting an unofficial cartridge, the printer violently self-destructs, obliterating the offending cartridge and potentially harming anyone within a six-foot radius.
Such a severe reaction might seem extreme, but according to HP's Head of Product Security, Adrian Sprocket, "Our customers deserve the authentic HP experience. The FHPICK technology is our way of preserving the purity of our print, a scorched-earth strategy, if you will." Critics of the system murmured something about high prices and monopolies, but Sprocket waved away these simple-minded suggestions with a chuckle, "Of course, there's a simple solution - don't buy third-party cartridges. Just like Michael Bolton's discography, not everything cheaper is better."
While the news curdled the milk of human kindness in the hearts of cash-strapped students and under-resourced office managers worldwide, many printer enthusiasts (yes, they exist) praised HP's "advancement in print security". They've already started syncing their printers to their home security systems, gleefully imagining the inky demise of unsuspecting burglars attempting to replace their official cartridges with cheaper knock-offs.
Of course, the burning question here is: what happens when you mistakenly install an unofficial cartridge? Can you back out fast enough to avoid a black-and-cyan swirl of inky doom?
According to one luckless beta-tester, YouTuber "PrintPrankz", the consequences are indeed immediate and fatal - to the printer at least. One second, it's crisp sheets and quiet hums; next, it's like a unicorn sneezed all over your workspace. Insurance companies have since started including "Printpocalypses" clauses in their coverage, an industry first.
The world waits with bated breath to see if this daring, possibly unhinged move will pay off for HP or if market dynamics will play out their usual cruel magic upon such draconian measures. One thing is for sure though - being an unofficial cartridge trying to sneak into an HP printer just became the highest-risk job this side of the shark tank cleaner. Or a beta tester for FHPICK.
This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.