It's a well-known fact that the hamburger is an American classic, but in recent years, a disturbing trend has emerged: the use of lettuce as a condiment. That's right, our beloved bun-and-patty combo is being infiltrated by a leafy green that has no business being there.
Anti-lettuce activists have been fighting back against this culinary encroachment, but it seems their efforts have been in vain. Despite protests and petitions, lettuce remains a fixture on menus across the country.
So why the sudden influx of salad components in our beloved burgers? Some speculate that it's a misguided attempt at making the dish healthier, while others chalk it up to a bizarre culinary fad. Whatever the reason, it's leading to a crisis of epic proportions - the loss of the classic American hamburger.
Burger purists are up in arms, decrying the use of lettuce as an abomination. "What's next, sprinkling kale on my fries?" one outraged customer exclaimed. "It's madness!"
But is the lettuce invasion really as bad as we're making it out to be? Some argue that incorporating more vegetables into our diets is a positive thing. After all, if we're going to indulge in burgers, shouldn't we try to balance it out with some greens?
The answer, it seems, is a matter of personal preference. Some people love the crunch and texture that lettuce brings to their burgers, while others view it as an unnecessary addition.
Regardless of your stance on the issue, the fact remains that we are in the midst of a hamburger crisis. Will we ever be able to return to the simpler days of burger-and-cheese-only? Only time will tell.
But in the meantime, perhaps we should take a page from our vegan counterparts and experiment with new and creative plant-based burger recipes. Who knows, maybe lettuce as a condiment will seem like child's play compared to some of the concoctions we come up with.
Or, in the words of one wise burger enthusiast, "just give me a damn burger with nothing but beef and cheese and nobody gets hurt."
