Jesus Endorses AR-15 as "Blessed Peacemaker" in Controversial Second Coming Statement

In a surprising development that has theologians scrambling for their concordances, Jesus Christ has reportedly declared the AR-15 semi-automatic rifle His "preferred instrument of peace" during preparations for His Second Coming.

"Turn the other cheek was more of a Phase 1 approach," the Prince of Peace explained during an exclusive celestial press conference. "For Phase 2, we're going with something that has a bit more stopping power."

The announcement has caused significant divisions among religious communities. Conservative evangelicals have rushed to gun stores in record numbers, while liberal denominations are questioning whether the statement might have been mistranslated from the original Aramaic.

"The Sermon on the Mount clearly needed an update," Christ reportedly added. "Blessed are the peacemakers, especially those with a 30-round magazine and customizable stock options."

Gun manufacturers have wasted no time capitalizing on the divine endorsement. "The Messiah Series" AR-15s are now being marketed with features including "water-to-wine" cooling systems, "loaves and fishes" extended magazines, and stocks carved from "authentic Holy Land olive wood."

Vatican officials have remained cautiously noncommittal, with Pope Francis requesting clarification on whether the Son of God might consider a less militaristic option, such as a Super Soaker filled with holy water.

"I just think it's practical," Jesus reportedly said while demonstrating proper trigger discipline. "Have you seen what's happening down there? Dad and I agreed it's time for a more hands-on approach to judgment day."

At press time, sources close to the divine trinity confirmed that the Holy Spirit had expressed a preference for a flamethrower, while God the Father remained partial to the classic lightning bolt.