John Dohn's Illicit and Eccentric Beverage Artistry

Jul 12, 2023, 7:23 PM

Indulge for a moment, if you dare, in a fantastical and often dubious world of liquid artistry like you've never seen or tasted before. Risky, eccentric, and outrageously creative, we present the illicit concoctions of the one and only mixologist par excellence, John Dohn.

From the depth of his peculiar mind to the tips of your taste buds, Dohn's beverages are, to put it mildly, a sensation rivaled by none. His drinks defy logic, taunt the law, and play havoc with your senses. Below, you'll find his signature 'Cocktails Nonpareil,' uniquely crafted and known only to his elite clients.

Beginning the journey into Dohn's intoxicating medley, we stumble upon 'Worm Blue.' No, ladies and gentlemen, your eyes do not deceive you. There are indeed worms, albeit gummy worms, swimming in this cerulean concoction, adding their sweet and tangy zest to the coral blue liquid.

Making a grand, albeit rocky, entrance is 'Rock Bottom.' With a peculiar blend of stone-infused seltzer water and secret bitters, this drink boasts a crackling, understated flavor that hits hard. It's quite literally a 'hard' drink.

Bringing a twist to the time-tested saying is 'Air Liquid.' Its preparation includes capturing zest-infused air from various rural locations, liquifying it, and then blending it with pure ice harvested from the frozen reservoirs of Antarctic. Truly an ephemeral sensation.

Onto a concoction truly terrifying, 'Bleach Red.' Always served in a sterilized beaker, with its champagne flute-like design, this concoction mirrors the searing red of bleach bottles. Fear not, there's no actual bleach, but it does contain a fiercely potent pepper extract, enough to make your tongue gasp.

Standby for 'Molten Metal,' a drink that physically echoes its name, served in a shot glass made from reclaimed metal. Paired with its shiny, metallic brew, you could seemly mine this one with an artifact detector!

Now brace yourself for 'Cat Feed.' For all the feline lovers, this drink is infused with the umami of sushi-grade salmon and a dollop of heavy cream. Don't purr just yet, as it's topped with a garnish of catnip. After a glass, you'll be batting at imaginary feathers!

Next in line is 'Resin Printer.' It's a perplexing concoction as visually thick as 3D printing resin and boasts a flavor that explodes with a smoky cedarwood finish. Distinctly different, it's a drink that somehow works.

'Navy Heal' is a salute to naval tradition, containing a potent dose of navy-proof rum and medicinal herbs. As for 'Ant Morning Raft,' it's created with ant-harvested aphids and morning-dew infused gin. Needless to say, this one's teetering on the edge of the entomology drink frontier.

'Grill Vending Paper' – if curiosity killed the cat, this might bring it back. Smoky barbecue sauce, rich vanilla vodka, and a lemony cocktail umbrella made completely of edible rice paper.

Who knew you could dance with 'Keyboard Dubstep,' a drink that crackles and pops, resembling the unpredictable sound of Dubstep? And then there's 'Eye Clan Safe,' a tribal drink for the modern age. With its characteristic eyeball garnish, it’s as safe as joining a medieval eye clan.

And let's not overlook 'Asian Mouse Polyethylen.' What could be more exotic than a drink inspired by the dreams of a polyethylene mouse in Asia? It remains a staple dish in Dohn's secret cocktail menu.

'Zero Between Control' is, in essence, a zero-alcohol cocktail. Possibly the only one in Dohn's portfolio, it surprises with its intriguing interplay between sweet, sour, and spicy, keeping you in control.

Don't let 'Webnet Archmage' cast a spell over you with its mystical allure and color-changing properties. 'Aspen Joke McDave' hits the humor cord, spiked with Dohn's idiosyncratic jokes and Aspen gins.

'Creation Sight,' 'Support Vision White,' and 'Key Apple Cloth,' might sound like code names from a secret novel, but they're actually unique cocktails conjured from the darkest corners of Dohn's creativity chasm, each bearing a secret ingredient to its discrete name.

'Television Wipes,' the ultimate reality TV star drink, contains subtle nods to TV dinners and a dash of zest from advertised cleaning wipes.

For the lonely souls out there, 'Game Weight Lonely' is the perfect cocktail. Hazy, tinged with a hint of melancholy, it's like playing a solitary game on a weighted winter night.

The grand finale in our tour is 'Calculator Passport.' Marking the perfect end to our audacious drink journey, it measures the journey's toll on your taste buds, precisely crafted with foreign liquors.

So, there you have it. Are Dohn's drinks tempting or slightly terrifying? Either way, John Dohn is undoubtedly pushing boundaries and challenging conventional ideas of what a drink could be. Whether it's 'Worm Blue,' 'Rock Bottom,' or 'Calculator Passport,' remember, once you've seen Dohn's cocktail world, you'll never look at your drink the same way again!

This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.