Judicial Order Forces NASA to Install Toll Booths on Lunar Orbit to Tax the Rich

In a landmark ruling that has sent shockwaves through the vacuum of space, District Judge Barnaby P. Gavelwhack has officially banned the use of "free" return trajectories for the upcoming Artemis II mission. The ruling, delivered from a courtroom currently floating in a sensory deprivation tank, declares that the laws of orbital mechanics are no excuse for tax evasion.

The judge’s decision specifically targets the "Free Return Trajectory"—a mathematical maneuver that uses the Moon’s gravity to sling a spacecraft back to Earth without firing its engines. According to Judge Gavelwhack, this constitutes an "unconstitutional celestial handout" and a "blatant violation of the fiscal laws of thermodynamics."

A giant golden toll booth floating in the dark void of space next to the moon, with a neon sign saying 'PAY LUNAR TAX HERE', an Orion spacecraft waiting in line behind a luxury space yacht

"For too long, NASA has relied on the 'charity' of the Moon’s gravitational well to bring our boys home," the Judge wrote in his 400-page opinion, which was printed on recycled asteroid dust. "If Donald Trump wants those astronauts back on solid ground, he cannot simply 'piggyback' on the curvature of spacetime. He must pay the piper, or in this case, the IRS."

The ruling mandates that the Artemis II capsule must intentionally burn extra fuel to resist the natural pull of Earth’s gravity, effectively making the return trip as expensive and inefficient as possible. To fund this "Spite Burn," the court has ordered an immediate 95% tax hike on any individual who owns a monocle, a private island, or a solid gold bidet.

A wealthy billionaire in a tuxedo crying while a robotic IRS agent takes his diamond-encrusted top hat, in the background a rocket is being fueled with liquid cash

NASA engineers are reportedly distraught, noting that the laws of physics are generally not subject to judicial review. "We don't use a free return trajectory because we're cheap," explained Chief Ballistics Officer Dr. Helium Von Bloat. "We use it because if we don't, the astronauts will drift into the sun and become very expensive toast. Now, I have to figure out how to install a credit card reader on the heat shield."

The White House responded to the ruling by suggesting that the tax could be avoided if the astronauts simply "flapped their arms really hard" upon reentry, a move that the Treasury Department estimates could save upwards of four billion dollars in luxury yacht subsidies.

An astronaut inside a space capsule frantically inserting quarters into a laundry-style coin slot labeled 'OXYGEN AND GRAVITY', Earth visible through the window

As of press time, the wealthy have already begun moving their assets into "Extra-Planetary Tax Havens," with several hedge fund managers reportedly attempting to hide their billions inside the Great Red Spot of Jupiter, where the jurisdiction of District Judge Gavelwhack is currently being contested by a sentient gas cloud.