Kash Patel Sworn In as FBI Director, Vows to Replace Handcuffs with Party Poppers

In a historic move that has left both political analysts and party supply stores scrambling, former Trump ally Kash Patel was confirmed as the new FBI Director late Tuesday. During his inaugural speech, Patel promised to “rebrand federal law enforcement as the Fun Bureau of Investigations,” unveiling a 10-point plan that includes mandatory karaoke interrogations and evidence lockers stocked with confetti cannons.

Sources close to the bureau confirm Patel’s first executive order mandates that all undercover operations now involve at least one inflatable dinosaur costume. “We’ve been too focused on ‘justice’ and ‘national security,’” Patel said during a press conference held at a Chuck E. Cheese. “It’s time to prioritize morale. If a suspect isn’t laughing by the time we read them their rights, we’re doing it wrong.”

The reforms don’t stop there. Field agents will reportedly trade standard-issue firearms for Super Soakers filled with “truth serum” (later clarified to be Mountain Dew Code Red), while the FBI’s famed Hostage Rescue Team will now deploy trained clowns to “lighten the mood during high-stakes negotiations.”

Critics argue the changes could undermine the bureau’s credibility, but Patel remains undeterred. “We’re keeping all the old boring stuff too,” he assured reporters while demonstrating new “probable cause piñatas” designed for warrant applications. “Due process is important, but so is having a soundtrack. That’s why we’re replacing the Patriot Act with the Karaoke Act.”

When asked about ongoing investigations, Patel winked and whispered, “Wait until you see our new Capitol riot reenactments... in musical theater format.” The FBI’s updated motto, leaked via a glitter bomb press release, now reads: “Fidelity, Bravery, Integrity... and Free Cotton Candy Fridays.”