L. Ron Hubbard, creator of Scientology and revered science fiction author, has made a shocking return to the world of mortals. But this time, it's not with promises of eternal spiritual growth or exciting space adventures.
No, this time Hubbard has come to declare the end of days. That's right folks, it's the apocalypse! And who better to herald the end of the world than the man who created a religion based on intergalactic spirits and volcanoes?
Hubbard appeared to a stunned crowd gathered in Los Angeles last week, dressed in full military regalia and riding a giant mechanical spider. "I have returned to guide you through the destruction of this world and usher in a new era of darkness!" he proclaimed, his voice echoing throughout the city.
The crowd was understandably nervous, but Hubbard promised them salvation. "Fear not my children, for those who follow my teachings will be spared. The rest of you are on your own."
Of course, it's not the first time Hubbard has made such grandiose claims. Let's not forget his promise to cure all mental illnesses with his Dianetics program, or his claim that he was a war hero when in reality he never saw combat.
But who cares about pesky details like that when the end of the world is nigh? And what exactly does Hubbard have in store for us? Will the scientologists be spared, or will they too be cast into the abyss?
It's hard to say, but I for one am not taking any chances. I'm stocking up on canned goods, boarding up my windows, and preparing for the worst. And if this is truly the end, I'm glad I spent my final moments reading articles on The Wibble.
