In a surprising ruling, a local arsonist has been acquitted of all charges after a grand jury determined that the victim's house was, in their own words, "just begging to be burned down." In an even more shocking twist, it appears that the arsonist in question is not angry, vengeful, or mentally unwell - he's simply a recreational arsonist, doing it for the thrill of the flames.
According to sources close to the case, the defendant, who wishes to remain anonymous, claimed that he burned down the victim's home as part of a personal challenge - to find the most flammable house in town. And according to several witnesses, the victim's home, with its combination of faulty wiring, leaky gas pipes, and piles of dry newspapers, was the perfect candidate.
"I could tell right away that it was a match waiting to happen," said the defendant, grinning widely outside the courthouse after his acquittal. "It was like the house was asking for it."
The victim, who was not present during the burning, was reportedly devastated by the loss of their home and all their belongings. But the grand jury, who heard testimony from both the prosecution and the defendant, ultimately ruled that the victim's lax attitude towards fire safety and maintenance made them just as responsible as the arsonist.
"We're not saying the arsonist was right to do what he did," said the foreman of the grand jury in a statement to the press. "But we are saying that the victim should have known better. When you leave your house in that kind of condition, you're not just putting yourself in danger. You're putting everyone around you in danger."
In the wake of the ruling, many local residents have expressed shock and outrage. But others have rallied around the defendant, calling him a hero for daring to challenge the status quo and expose the dangers of neglectful homeownership.
"Let's be real here: we've all looked at a neighbor's house and thought, 'that thing would go up like a tinderbox,'" said one supporter at a rally outside the courthouse. "This guy just had the guts to do something about it. He's a modern-day Robin Hood, burning down the crumbling hovels of the elite and giving the rest of us some much-needed catharsis."
Not everyone is convinced, however. Many legal experts are calling the grand jury's decision a dangerous precedent, one that could encourage vigilantes and arsonists to strike with even more impunity.
But for the defendant, at least, the ruling is a clear victory. "I'm not saying I'm going to go out and burn down every ramshackle house in this town," he said. "But I think this ruling sends a message to all the other homeowners out there - shape up, or you might get burned."
