Chip McShortstack, 34, founder of "The Nine Rings Lanes," announced today his revolutionary recreation of the "ancient elven pastime" of bowling, a sport he insists was "practiced nightly in Rivendell between council meetings." McShortstack, whose previous venture involved selling "authentic" dragon-skin wallets made from recycled truck tarps, claims to have reverse-engineered the game using "vague references in Tolkien fanfiction and a particularly vivid dream about Legolas."
"The elves didn’t just shoot arrows, people," McShortstack declared, adjusting his own hand-knitted pointy ear hat. "They bowled! With tiny pins! And tiny bowlers! It’s all about scale, authenticity, and… uh… festive headwear." His newly leased warehouse space now features 12 lanes with regulation-sized balls (painted gold, "for elven prestige") and "custom-crafted" pins allegedly scaled to "elf proportions." The only missing element? Actual elves. Or, as McShortstack’s hastily drafted Craigslist ad phrases it: "Wanted: 20+ Midgets (sorry, vertically challenged bowling enthusiasts) for immersive elf experience! Must wear provided cool hats (elf-approved styles: Glittery Pointy, Leaf Crown, or ‘I Bowled in Rivendell’ beanie). Pin costumes mandatory (foam tube with legs, very breathable!). Salary: 3 gold coins per shift + complimentary second breakfast."
McShortstack defended the terminology in his ad, stating, "‘Midget’ is just industry standard for… well, small people who fit in pin costumes. It’s not derogatory if it’s for art! Plus, the hats are really cool." Safety concerns were brushed aside with McShortstack’s patented "Elven Safety Protocol": mandatory pre-roll chants of "Frodo Lives!", "safety goggles" consisting of googly eyes glued to headbands, and a strict "no rolling after consuming more than two imaginary mead horns" policy. "The pins are foam! The balls are hollow! The only real danger is boredom," he insisted, gesturing toward a sign reading "PIN ZONE: Absolutely No Unionizing (Per Elven Law, Section 7b)."
Applicants reportedly flocked to the tryouts, lured by promises of "exposure" and "a chance to touch a prop ball allegedly used in a Lord of the Rings extended edition extra scene." One hopeful, Binky Tumblerton, 28, shared his audition experience: "They made me bowl while wearing the pin costume. Kept yelling ‘More elf-like! Less… human-shaped!’ Also, the ‘gold coins’ were chocolate wrappers. But the hat was kinda cool." McShortstack remains undeterred, already planning expansion: "Phase two is dwarf curling. We’ll need even shorter people. And maybe some fake beards. The market for immersive Middle-Earth sports is wide open!"
City officials confirmed they are "reviewing the permit for ‘human-sized novelty objects’" after neighbors reported "disturbing chants of ‘Frodo Lives!’ and the smell of burnt Lembas bread substitutes." McShortstack remains optimistic: "Critics just don’t get the vision. Soon, every mall will have an elf bowling alley. And maybe a hobbit putt-putt. The Shire had holes, right?"