Local Hero Statue Develops Annoying Habit of Offering Unsolicited Advice

Oakhaven, Eldoria - The sleepy town of Oakhaven, nestled in the verdant valley of Eldoria, has always been known for its tranquility, its prize-winning turnips, and, of course, the magnificent statue of Sir Reginald Strongforth, the town's legendary hero. Sir Reginald, as any local child can tell you, single-handedly wrestled a Grunglebeast, invented the self-stirring porridge pot, and, most importantly, bravely defended Oakhaven from the Great Goblin Grumble in the Year of the Grumbling Gizzard.

For centuries, Sir Reginald's stoic, bronze visage has gazed benevolently upon the town square, a silent guardian and a source of local pride. That is, until Tuesday.

Tuesday, as it turns out, was the day Sir Reginald decided to break his centuries-long silence. And not in a grand, booming voice of prophecy or heroic pronouncements, oh no. Instead, Sir Reginald, in a voice described by Mrs. Higgins, the baker, as "like gravel gargling honey," began offering unsolicited advice.

It started subtly. Old Man Fitzwilliam, known for his perpetually tangled fishing line, was attempting to cast his rod into the River Willow when, witnesses say, Sir Reginald cleared his throat (a sound reportedly like tectonic plates shifting) and boomed, "Young man! You'll never catch a Whispering Trout with that knot! Try a Figure-Eight Loop, and for goodness sake, use a smaller hook! They're not Grunglebeasts, you know!"

Fitzwilliam, understandably startled, nearly fell into the river. He reports that he looked around for the source of the booming voice, only to realize, with dawning horror, that it was emanating from the bronze lips of Sir Reginald himself.

Since then, it has been a non-stop barrage of well-meaning, yet utterly outdated, advice. Young Elara, attempting to sell her hand-knitted scarves at the market, was informed that "Scarves are all well and good, child, but in my day, a sturdy pair of woolen breeches was the height of fashion! And much more practical for goblin skirmishes!"

Bartholomew, the blacksmith, was attempting to forge a new horseshoe when Sir Reginald, in a voice that echoed across the square, declared, "Hammering cold iron? Preposterous! In my day, we heated the metal until it glowed like a dragon's breath! And used a proper anvil, not that flimsy thing!" Bartholomew, a man known for his patience, reportedly threw his hammer down and went for a very strong ale at the Crooked Tankard.

Even Mayor Bumblefoot, attempting to address the town about the recent… incident with the runaway turnips (a story for another time), was interrupted by Sir Reginald. "Mayor! Mayor Bumblefoot! Speak up, man! And stand up straight! A leader must project strength! In my day, we addressed the troops from horseback, clad in full plate armor! This… this mumbling is hardly inspiring!"

The townsfolk are, to put it mildly, bewildered. Some are amused, initially. Others are rapidly losing their patience. "It was funny for about five minutes," grumbled Agnes, the apothecary, while trying to explain to Sir Reginald that leeches are no longer considered a primary medical treatment. "Now it's just… embarrassing. And frankly, his advice is terrible! Figure-Eight Loop for Whispering Trout? Utter nonsense!"

The town council has convened an emergency meeting. The leading theory, proposed by the eccentric wizard, Old Man Hemlock, is that the recent surge in magical energy from the Whispering Woods has somehow… "activated" the statue. Hemlock, who claims to be an expert in "statue sentience," suggests a complex ritual involving moonbeams, badger whiskers, and the recitation of ancient Elvish poetry. However, he also admitted, with a shrug, that "it might just be a phase."

In the meantime, Oakhaven residents are advised to carry earplugs and avoid the town square if possible. And if you happen to be near Sir Reginald, for goodness sake, don't ask him for advice. Unless, of course, you're planning to wrestle a Grunglebeast. In which case, he apparently has some very specific, and probably outdated, tips.