NEW YORK – In a move that has sent shockwaves through the nutritional science community and caused a 400% spike in local delivery orders, 34-year-old freelance graphic designer Gary Henderson officially reclassified pizza as a "superfood vegetable" during a late-night binge-watching session this Tuesday.
![Gary Henderson's "Superfood" Discovery](/image/6ec659d4-ff95-47d7-bac6-1182764247bd "Gary Henderson's "Superfood" Discovery")
Henderson, whose previous dietary achievements include eating a rotisserie chicken over a sink to avoid washing a plate, reached his conclusion after reading a single, misinterpreted headline on a health blog while waiting for his "Meat Lover’s Extravaganza" to arrive.
"It’s basic biology, really," said Henderson, gesturing toward a stack of greasy cardboard boxes that have become a permanent architectural feature of his studio apartment. "The crust is made of wheat, which is a plant. The sauce is made of tomatoes, which—botanically speaking—are fruits, but legally speaking, are vegetables. And the cheese? That’s just concentrated grass, if you think about the cow’s perspective. I’m basically eating a garden."
![The "Eat the Rainbow" Diet](/image/5dbe310a-ea37-4438-baba-4dae4dd4de8d "The "Eat the Rainbow" Diet")
The "Wibble" investigative team reached out to several leading nutritionists, all of whom responded with a mixture of heavy sighs and requests to be removed from our mailing list. However, Henderson remains undeterred by "Big Salad" propaganda.
"The mainstream media wants you to believe that a 'balanced meal' involves kale and quinoa," Henderson explained while picking a stray piece of pepperoni off his shirt. "But look at the color palette of this pizza. You’ve got red, you’ve got yellow, you’ve got the occasional green fleck of what I assume is oregano or perhaps a very small piece of bell pepper that fell off someone else’s order. That’s a rainbow. And doctors always say to eat the rainbow."
The breakthrough in Henderson’s nutritional philosophy reportedly occurred when he discovered that tomato paste contains lycopene, an antioxidant. By his calculations, the sheer volume of sauce consumed during a standard "Two-for-Tuesday" deal makes him functionally immortal.
"I feel lighter already," Henderson claimed, despite visibly struggling to stand up from his beanbag chair. "Yesterday, I had a slice with pineapple on it. That’s a fruit serving. Then I had a slice with mushrooms. That’s a fungus, which is basically a vegetable’s edgy cousin. I’m practically a vegan at this point, if you ignore the three pounds of mozzarella and the Italian sausage."
Local pizzerias have been quick to capitalize on Henderson’s "discovery." Tony’s Grease Trap & Dough Emporium has already updated its signage to read: "Tony’s Organic Vegetable Medley (Now with Extra Pepperoni)."
"We’ve seen a huge uptick in customers who are 'dieting,'" said Tony, the shop’s owner. "They come in, order a 16-inch deep dish, and ask for a Diet Coke because they’re 'watching their macros.' Who am I to argue with science? If Gary says it’s a salad, it’s a salad. I’ll even throw some extra grease on there—that’s just essential oils."
At press time, Henderson was seen arguing with a delivery driver about whether the cardboard box counted as "fiber," while simultaneously planning his next health retreat: a three-day "Calzone Detox."