In a stunning development that has left the scientific community reeling and several chalkboards permanently erased, three prominent quantum physicists were arrested early Tuesday morning for "willful violation of Newton’s Third Law" and "unlicensed temporal displacement" outside the Institute for Advanced Nonsense. According to the Department of Universal Compliance (DUC), the researchers—Dr. Quibble Thorne, Dr. Ada Higgsberry, and postdoc Barry Spin—were caught red-handed attempting to "push a stationary object without experiencing equal and opposite reaction" during a routine espresso-fueled brainstorming session in the campus quad.
Chief Inspector Gravitas of the DUC’s Violations Division confirmed the charges, stating, "These individuals flagrantly ignored Section 7, Subsection B of the Universal Operating Manual: 'For every action, there shall be an equal and opposite reaction, no exceptions, not even for tenure.' We observed Dr. Thorne shove a park bench toward Dr. Higgsberry while remaining perfectly stationary himself. The bench did not shove back. This isn’t peer review—it’s peer law." Surveillance footage allegedly shows the bench politely sliding 12 feet while Thorne remained rooted, sipping a latte. "It was unnatural," Gravitas added. "Like watching a cat not land on its feet. We had to intervene before reality developed a limp."
Charges also include "operating a wormhole without a permit" (allegedly used to shortcut from the coffee machine to their offices), "unauthorized observation collapsing wave functions in public" (resulting in a confused pigeon simultaneously being both alive and deceased near the bike racks), and "excessive use of the word 'quantum' in non-emergency contexts." Bail was set at 5 Planck units, payable only in non-fungible neutrinos. "They’ll be lucky if they don’t get sentenced to mandatory classical mechanics tutorials," sighed a bailiff while adjusting his pocket watch, which ticked backward.
The Institute’s Dean, Dr. Reginald Pendulum, expressed "profound disappointment but zero surprise," citing prior incidents involving "spontaneous combustion of grant proposals" and "a suspiciously high number of cats in boxes." Meanwhile, the accused maintain their innocence, arguing that the Third Law was "clearly drafted before coffee was invented" and that the pigeon incident was "just a very committed method actor." Their defense attorney, Schrödinger & Co., plans to argue that the defendants are simultaneously guilty and innocent until the courtroom door is opened.
As of press time, the DUC has issued warrants for 14 additional physicists suspected of "smuggling imaginary numbers across the complex plane" and "laughing at the speed of light limit." The American Physical Society has urged calm, reminding citizens that "while breaking physics is serious, jaywalking through singularities is really inconsiderate." More charges expected pending review of their LinkedIn posts.