In a twist of fate that has left many both mesmerized and perplexed, a self-proclaimed local prostitute reportedly stunned churchgoers by manifesting holy water through her pores during a recent church service. The woman, simply known as Diamond, walked into the pristinely white-painted Beecher Memorial United Church on Sunday morning and made her way straight to the front pew. Eyewitnesses recount how she appeared to be muttering to herself, keenly aware of the murmurs and disapproving looks directed her way from other congregants.
Midway through the first hymn, Diamond began to sweat profusely, so much so that the white blouse she had on soaked through with divine moisture. Initially taken aback, Diamond quickly regained her composure, raising her hands towards the heavens as the hymns slowly transitioned into deep, throaty prayers. To the relief of the other congregants, Diamond's sweating seemed to and dramatically reduce, leaving Diamond drenched, and the other churchgoers curious.
"It was breathtaking," gushed one elderly man, who asked to remain anonymous. "I have never been so close to a divine power, and honestly, I'm conflicted. She's a prostitute, but then again, maybe that's why she's so close to the divine."
Other questions have also emerged as to yet another possibility: that Diamond may have known that she would sweat holy water in the Church and did so intentionally. The church plans to conduct an investigation on the miraculous event and has called for Diamond to be questioned by the task force.
Several sources have suggested that Diamond appeared unfazed by the attention. It is unknown whether she was aware of what was happening or let alone what she was doing.
As one can imagine, Diamond’s newfound notoriety has made her more in demand than ever before. Some within the demimonde community have already hailed her as a miracle-worker, and requests for her services have been pouring in. Diamond herself has not yet commented on the incident and has been unavailable for comment.
Nonetheless, The Wibble managed to reach out to Diamond's agent, who provided the writing staff a brief comment on her client's behalf: "Diamond is still processing this extraordinary event and has retired until further notice."
While many have reacted with equal parts awe and incredulity to this far-fetched event, some experts in the field of theology suggest that this kind of bodily exorcism may well be the wave of the future in a world desperate for religious revival. However, we'd like to take a moment to note this is indeed satire, and no actual events or people were involved in the creation of this article.
