Long-Lost 'Polybius' Proves Conspiracies Correct: 80s Arcade Machines Really Were Mind Control Devices!

Jul 5, 2023, 7:53 AM

All hail the retro arcade aficionados! The truth is out! Polybius, the legendary arcade game from the 80s, thought to be no more than a figment of overactive imaginations, has been revealed to be shockingly real. And, you guessed it, the mystical arcade machine comes complete with the theorized mind-control capabilities.

Just as Bigfoot, Atlantis, and the moon landing hoaxes have captivated the imaginations of conspiracy theorists worldwide, the urban legend of Polybius has seasoned and cooked a whole chicken just right for all the fanatical 80s gamers. Yes, you can now add 'Government turns us into mind-controlled zombies through arcade games' to your tinfoil hat conspiracy repertoire. While we're on the topic, remember, the Tin Foil Allegiance meets every third Wednesday of the month. Don't miss it!

The breakout of this news has caused a stir in the gaming community, shaking it more than Mario did when he found out Princess Peach was in another castle...Again. However, in this delightful twist of events, our princess is not in another castle. Polybius is right in front of us, beguiling us with its eerie neon flicker and its magnetic allure that just screams... play me.

The legend of Polybius, for the unversed, goes something like this: an arcade game, subtly invasive, and hypnotically engaging, emerges in suburban arcades in the 80s. It's the stuff on-screen wizardry is made of, quickly claiming the highest of high scores on the addiction index. Supposedly, the game was so entrancing that it became impossible for anyone not to play. People formed snaking lines and fought for the joystick, like Black Friday shoppers fight for that last 50% off microwave.

The legend gets juicer. Stories began to circulate of men in black - who presumably weren't Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones - periodically visiting the arcade. These men would download the data from the Polybius machine and then vanish. Were they measuring high scores? Were they recording the number of times players screamed in frustration? Or were they collecting resultant mind control data? Really, we can only speculate.

However, the most scintillating part of this legend is the effect Polybius allegedly had on its players. Prolonged playing reportedly caused amnesia, nightmares, and aural hallucinations. Yes, after a session of playing Polybius, listening to a Rick Astley record might've actually seemed like a good option.

So, now that the game has been relocated, what happens next? Do we break out the rose-tinted glasses and return to the good old days of chucking quarters at an addictive game? Or, does finding Polybius underline the worst fears of the tin-foil hat club, putting weight behind the outlandish theories they have spun over the years about mind-controlling arcade machines?

In an unexpected twist (as if finding a mythic mind-control machine isn’t surprising enough), the recently unearthed Polybius machine is refusing to reveal any of its secrets just yet. Despite multiple attempts, plugging the machine into modern electrical outlets resulted in the machine stubbornly continuing to lie dormant, like a grumpy adolescent on a Monday morning. It seems it may not be ready to part with its secrets just yet.

But, alas, who says we need to rush? The fun of conspiracies often lies in the not knowing, the speculating, the theorizing, and the general kerfuffle that they cause. Let's allow the tale of Polybius to mature like a good cheese, giving gamers something to pore over and conspiracy theorists something to work up about. After all, we've waited this long; an extra sprinkle of suspense wouldn't hurt.

And for those of you who are strong of heart and sound of mind, if you come across a hushed neon glow from an old warehouse or garage, maybe the call of the Polybius is beckoning you to test your resolve. Just remember to pack your pocketful of quarters... and maybe a tin-foil hat.

This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.