Man Finds 'Darth' in Drinking Chlorine: A Jedi Saga

Dec 16, 2023, 10:23 AM

Bob Clifton, a 42-year-old DIY Jedi enthusiast from Omaha, Nebraska, has embarked on an unconventional pathway to achieving his childhood dream. His method of choice? Tapping into the power of household bleach, which he firmly claims would kick-start the growth of more midichlorians in his body, a premise hilariously founded on a misunderstood trope from the Star Wars universe.

For reference, midichlorians are the highly controversial Star Wars plot device, microbes that supposedly live in the cells of every living being, connecting them to the force. Yes folks, it appears Clifton believes a healthy gulp of bleach, the equivalent of swallowing a liquid lightsaber, could grant him Jedi powers.

Now, we at "The Wibble" aren’t astrophysicists or part-time Sith Lords, but we’re fairly confident that this isn’t how biology, or chlorine ingestion, works. Clifton's big plan just screams: "It's a trap!", and a dangerous one at that - bleach is commonly used to brighten one's laundry, not one's connection to the Force!

For the longest time, we were convinced Clifton's endeavor had to be a Sith plot. The Dark Side pulling a quick one. Yet all Clifton has to show for his eccentric enthusiasm is a persistent rash and a Jedi Robe that’s seen brighter days.

Not deterred by severe stomach discomfort or his failing fashion, Clifton continues his bleach-drinking regimen. He's convinced that he's only a few gulps away from mastering the "Force push". Unbelievable, as it may sound, he supports this argument by citing that his stomach disturbances are clear signs of his body adjusting to the increased midichlorian count. We, however, suspect it might have more to do with his decision to replace Tropicana with Clorox.

Though it’s preposterous to believe that Clifton will ever Force choke his way out of this disaster, we unfortunately can't convince him otherwise. In the meantime, the least we can do is provide him with a Star Wars-themed fire extinguisher. Our Hope – A New Hope, you may call it - is that he'll identify this more as a Jedi training tool rather than a blatant ploy to save him from potential subsequent fires.

And so, dear readers, endeth our cautionary (and chlorine-filled) tale. As you consider your New Year resolutions, take a moment to remember our dear Clifton. Let his Force-finding journey remind you that attempting to become Darth by drinking bleach may not only lead to a mighty rash and faded robes but could have you replace your nutritionist with an emergency contact. And that, dear Jedis and Siths, is no way to conquer the galaxy.

This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.