Wibble News Create new article

Marco Rubio Appoints Himself USAID "Super-Director," Demands "Epic Latin Jazz Funk" Anthem

In a surprise press conference held at a Miami-area Taco Bell, Senator Marco Rubio announced today that he has "unilaterally assumed the role of Acting Super-Director of USAID," citing "emergency powers granted by the Founding Fathers in the fine print of the Constitution." His first official act? Commissioning a custom superhero cape and theme song "to better project American soft power through sick beats."

Marco Rubio posing dramatically in a congressional office wearing a half-unbuttoned dress shirt with a flowing red superhero cape, holding a laminated 'USAID Super-Director' badge in one hand and a cafecito in the other

"Effective immediately, all foreign aid will be distributed via conga line," declared Rubio while adjusting an improvised cape made from a Puerto Rican flag tablecloth. "My theme song needs to blend the gravitas of West Wing walk-and-talk music with the raw energy of Gloria Estefan's backup band fighting a grizzly bear."

The self-proclaimed "Super-Director" has reportedly emailed USAID staff 37 times since 3 AM with cape specifications, including "no sequins (unprofessional)" but "mandatory gold fringe (very constitutional)." Insiders reveal the agency's graphic design team is currently trapped in a Zoom call debating whether Rubio's proposed logo – an eagle juggling humanitarian aid packages – violates the Geneva Conventions.

A frazzled graphic designer slumped over a desk littered with coffee cups, staring at a computer screen showing a cartoon eagle dropping rice bags on a map of South America while fireworks explode in the background

State Department officials responded cautiously, with one spokesperson noting: "While we appreciate the Senator's sudden interest in global poverty, we'd like to remind everyone that USAID directors require Senate confirmation. Also, our legal team has questions about his demand to replace diplomatic cables with TikTok dance challenges."

Rubio's office has since released a 12-tweet thread arguing that his new title "technically counts as military service" and that the cape "qualifies as official congressional attire under maritime law." When pressed for clarification, he simply played a 30-second clip of bongos mixed with air raid sirens and shouted "THIS IS DIPLOMACY NOW!" before exiting through a mist machine.