Jul 14, 2023, 8:44 PM
Seven long rotations. That's how long it took the Martian trio, who journeyed from their technologically superior planet, to come to grips with the unpleasant surprise that welcomed them on Earth - our excruciatingly sluggish internet speeds.
Hard-pressed to understand why these terrestrial beings would submit themselves to such slow digital lanes, the Martian ambassadors embarrassingly shared stories of their first impressions of Earth’s broadband system over their space-age, electro-infused Martian tea.
"It was an absolute horror," Ambassador Ziton-64 confessed, his voice modulated to match the local audio frequency, a shade of disappointment apparent. "Back on Mars, we've wirelessly downloaded entire planetary databases in nanoseconds."
With Earth's internet buzzing slower than a sparrow in a syrup storm, the Martian delegates found themselves missing their ultra-fast MarsFi, a network, they add, that runs at a dizzying speed of 1 Zettabyte per Martian split-second — a measure of time that translates approximately to an Earthly blink.
"Earthlings have accomplished some marvels, no doubt. But, oh the internet speed! It's like trudging through a swamp," laughed Ambassador Floii-98, playfully mimicking a slowed-down Earthly video buffer.
Continuing the uncommon Martian laughter, Ambassador Grint-32 added, “Why, our homegrown Martian slime-crawlers move faster than these data packets!” Many assumed this to be an attempt at humor by Grint, but Earth’s Xenobiologists assure us, it was a scientific fact.
And just like us, the Martians took to social media to vent out their frustration. Albeit, their advanced micro-bio-communal-chip networks that even puts our 5G to shame. They indulged in meme-making, painstakingly illustrating their predicament on Earth using Earth's antiquated photo-editing software.
Every Martian shared the meme across the Galacti-net, breaching a significant number of Galactic laughter records – rivaling even the “Hydrogen-Oxygen Mistake of 80,000 G.E." painting the Milky Way with a hue of hysteric cosmic laughter.
In a congenial show of diplomacy, Earth's Internet Service Providers, visibly embarrassed, are considering establishing an Interstellar Broadband Working Group to avoid similar interstellar snafus in the future. It is hoped that a collaborative venture would create an internet that could proudly survive the test of extraterrestrial expectations.
In response, the Martian delegation has also graciously offered their assistance and technological acumen to guide this attempt at galactic internet upgrade, but not without adding: "It's about time!"
Their parting advice to the Earthlings: "If you are ever to be part of the Galacti-net, try not being the tortoise in the race."
And so, while we converse over digital spaces utilizing our meager 4G/5G speeds, just remember there are Martians laughing at us across galaxies, while they instantaneously project digital holograms of themselves blanching at the thought of spending another rotation waiting for a webpage to load on Earth's broadband.
This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.