Mexico Agrees to Build Wall Out of Office Supplies, Trump Declares "Best Deal Since Ketchup as a Vegetable"

In a stunning bipartisan breakthrough, Mexico has agreed to enforce its northern border using a combination of staplers, Post-it notes, and "vigorous finger-wagging." President Trump, who initially threatened tariffs on all avocado exports unless Mexico paid for a "big, beautiful wall staffed by llamas," abruptly paused the plan after realizing llamas "don’t even have thumbs to hold border patrol badges."

Sources close to the negotiations reveal the final agreement hinges on Mexico deploying 10,000 administrative assistants to "politely remind migrants to take a number and wait their turn." Mexican President López Obrador praised the deal, noting, "We’ve outsourced border security to the spirit of that one teacher who made you line up alphabetically. Nunca olvidarán la letra H."

Meanwhile, Trump celebrated by tweeting, "TARIFFS CANCELED! Mexico will now send us 500,000 guacamole packets as a token of friendship. Very classy. Very wet. SAD if they forget the chips!" When pressed for details, White House officials admitted the tariffs were never about immigration but rather a "long-con to get better seating at the G7 taco bar."

Critics argue the deal lacks substance, much like the "infrastructure week" PowerPoint that accidentally became U.S. policy in 2017. "This is just a rebranded ‘see something, say something’ campaign, but for cilantro," sighed one exhausted diplomat. Meanwhile, migrants attempting to cross the border reported confusion after being handed IKEA-style assembly manuals titled How to Ethically Deter Yourself in 12 Steps.

As the world moves on, the only clear winner is Big Stationery. "We’re thrilled," said a spokesperson for Staples. "Finally, our 3-ring binders will serve a higher purpose than holding Trump’s unsigned health care plans."