Mexico to Construct Great Border Wall Entirely Out of Surplus Office Supplies
In a diplomatic breakthrough that has left structural engineers weeping and stationery enthusiasts in a state of erotic delirium, the Mexican government has officially agreed to construct a 2,000-mile border fortification composed entirely of discarded office supplies. The historic "Binder Clip Accord" was finalized late last night after a grueling fourteen-hour negotiation involving three staplers and a very confused mime.
Former President Donald Trump, speaking from a podium made of compressed legal pads, hailed the agreement as the greatest triumph of human negotiation since the 1980s-era decree that officially classified ketchup as a serving of garden-fresh vegetables.
"This is a beautiful wall, a sticky wall, a wall with incredible tensile strength provided by high-quality Scotch tape," Trump declared while attempting to use a highlighter as a microphone. "We’re talking about millions of tons of Post-it notes, mostly the yellow ones, which are very intimidating. It’s the best deal in the history of deals, maybe ever. It makes the ketchup thing look like a small-time condiment caper."
The architectural plans, which were reportedly sketched on the back of a dry-erase board that no one can find the eraser for, detail a structure forty feet high. The foundation will consist of solidified correction fluid (Wite-Out), while the primary reinforcement will be provided by a sophisticated lattice of interconnected jumbo paperclips and those rubber bands that people save in junk drawers but never actually use.
Critics have raised concerns regarding the wall’s structural integrity during the rainy season, suggesting that a light drizzle could turn the entire international boundary into a giant, soggy papier-mâché sculpture. However, proponents of the plan argue that the adhesive power of three billion glue sticks is more than enough to withstand a Category 5 hurricane or a particularly aggressive toddler.
"The logistics are breathtaking," said Chief Stationery Officer, Barnaby Quills. "We are currently sourcing four hundred million swivel chairs to act as mobile turrets. If anyone tries to climb the wall, they will be met with a barrage of flying thumbtacks and the soul-crushing sound of a photocopier jamming indefinitely. It is the ultimate psychological deterrent."
The Mexican delegation reportedly agreed to the deal after realizing they had an entire warehouse full of 2004 desk calendars and "World's Best Boss" mugs that they were looking to offload. By donating these materials, Mexico effectively pays for the wall in "clutter equity," a new form of currency backed entirely by the frustration of middle-management.
As construction begins, the Department of Homeland Security has issued a warning to all personnel to wear thick-soled shoes, as the "Lego-like" pain of stepping on a stray staple is now considered a matter of national security. Meanwhile, the price of ketchup has skyrocketed, as citizens prepare to dip their fries into what the government now legally considers a "robust tomato salad."