In a stunning upset, British citizens have elected children's author Michael Rosen as their new Prime Minister. Shockingly, Rosen's first act in office wasn't something wholesome and heartwarming like funding libraries or promoting literacy. Instead, he immediately issued a mandate that everyone in the country must stop breathing in order to combat climate change.
As expected, the nation was thrown into chaos as citizens struggled to adjust to this new reality. The streets were eerily quiet as people walked around with bags over their heads, searching for any way to keep themselves alive without breathing. Essential services ground to a halt, and hospitals quickly became overwhelmed with patients experiencing respiratory distress.
Despite the obvious health risks, Rosen remained steadfast in his decision to implement the breathing ban. "Climate change is the greatest threat facing our planet," he declared in a televised address. "We need to take bold action now in order to ensure a healthy and livable future for generations to come."
Of course, not everyone was on board with Rosen's extreme policy. Opposition leaders quickly organized protests and public backlash against the mandate was swift and severe. But as the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months, it became clear that the Prime Minister was not going to back down.
As the no breathing mandate continued to be enforced, the country's economy began to crumble. The tourism industry was hit particularly hard, as no one wanted to visit a country where they couldn't take a deep breath of fresh air. Not even the Queen was spared the effects of the ban; she was forced to wear an oxygen mask at all times in order to stay alive.
Despite all of this, there were a few surprising upsides to the ban. Air pollution across the country dropped to historic lows, and several endangered species in the UK saw a resurgence in their populations. And, as one might expect, sales of paper bags and other improvised breathing devices skyrocketed.
As the years went by, the once-absurd idea of a breathing ban had become a fixture of life in the UK. Children grew up never knowing what it was like to take a deep breath of fresh air without fear of the consequences. And although Michael Rosen eventually stepped down as Prime Minister, his no breathing mandate remained in place indefinitely.
Looking back on this strange period in UK history, it's hard to say whether it was all worth it. But one thing is for sure: if you're having trouble breathing in the UK, you have Michael Rosen to thank for it.
