Ladies and Gentlemen, in a turn of events that no one saw coming, not even your horoscope-reading Aunt Martha, it has been revealed that Microsoft's co-founder, the tech titan himself, Bill Gates is indeed a Sith Lord. Yes, ladies and gentleman, fasten your seatbelts because this ride into the galactic dark side is going to be more turbulent than a Windows Vista update.
At a quintessential tech event, Gates, clad in the unofficial Silicon Valley uniform of a gadget-embellished hoodie and self-lacing sneakers, began his talk about the future of technology. The audience sat engrossed, drones flew overhead, and AI robots served complimentary cappuccinos. Everything was as generic as New Age music at a massage parlor, until Gates casually stated, "By the way, I am a Sith Lord."
Gasps echoed through the convention hall as Gates, grinning like a Cheshire cat, whipped out a crimson lightsaber that matched his Microsoft Word logo. The first question that arises in the mind is, what tipped him into the dark side? Was it the traumatic experience of Internet Explorer constantly being labeled the 'marshmallow of browsers'? Or was it the endless ridicule he faced from Apple users, who regard Windows users as primitive cave dwellers who still use wall paintings for communication?
In an attempt to bridge the chasm between the tech world and the galactic dystopia, Gates elaborated his journey and the potential greatness that the dark side encompasses. His transformation wasn't brought about by ancient Sith relics or a midlife crisis that sent him spiraling down the galactic rabbit hole, but merely a Windows 10 update that refused to complete.
Embracing and harnessing the furious energy he felt while waiting for the updates to install, Gates acclimated himself to the ways of the Sith. Those moments of utter exasperation 'fueled by a spiteful progress bar' were instrumental in awakening the Force within him. He conceded that he discovered the key selling points of the Sith order: unregulated power, the freedom to follow one's desires, and the fascinating ability to throw lightning from one's fingertips. A useful skill he admits, especially when the office WiFi drops.
As it turns out, the dark side does come with its fair share of greatness. Gates declared, "The Sith Order's commitment to innovation aligns perfectly well with the tech industry. We both thrive on chaos, disruption, and red laser swords, obviously." He then proceeded to demonstrate an upcoming Microsoft Office Suite feature that allows users to Force-choke anyone who deems Comic Sans as 'a fun and creative font.'
Wrapping up, Gates dropped another zinger, remarking, "Oh yes, and IE users... May the Force be with you. You'll need it." Thus concluded the most surprising tech talk of the decade—dark, twisty, and full of Windows updates.
As we recover from this astounding revelation and tread lightly around any future Microsoft updates, one can't help but wonder what lies in store next. Maybe the unveiling of Palpatine as an Apple board member? However it unfolds, one thing remains certain: not all heroes wear capes, some use anti-virus software.