Nov 9, 2023, 2:07 PM
It was a Tuesday morning like any other, the sun was ignoring everyone's pleas to sleep in, we were all mourning over the Monday that just passed and there was a time traveler hatching a plot to prevent the mass extinction of dinosaurs. You know, just perfectly normal, average, totally expected things that occur on a midweek morning.
Reginald Piblocks, a zealous paleontologist and part-time tinkerer, had spotted an ad in "Time Space Weekly" that promised anyone with a zest for adventure and a lack of concern for paradoxes and disrupting the space-time continuum, the opportunity to time-travel without any pesky training or regulations. You see, as recent as 2079, all it really takes to time travel is simply a questionable moral compass, an insatiable curiosity, and enough spare change to buy a time-travel kit from an entity known solely as 'Bob.'
Bob, a self-proclaimed non-linear temporal being with an affinity for human entrepreneurial ventures, thought it was only fitting to bring the art of violating causality to the masses. Now, one could argue the ethics of such marketing, or question who in their right mind would buy a time-travel kit from a shadowy figure named Bob.
But then again, who are we to judge? We've all bought something from Crusty Craig's Discount Seashell Emporium at some point in our lives, right? Even though every single seashell is guaranteed to have a disgruntled crab inside.
Reginald, with wide eyes that rivaled the excitement of a child in a candy factory, began assembling his budget time-travel kit. As he worked on the device - a slapdash instrument involving a pocket watch, a rubber duck, and a can opener (you know, your standard DIY fare) - he conceived a plan that he believed would revolutionize his field forever.
He decided to use the kit to time travel back to the late Cretaceous period and save the dinosaurs from extinction. Yes, let that sink in for a moment - Reginald was planning a prehistoric rescue operation, attempting to prevent an extinction event that we've accepted as solid fact for centuries. Cue the theme from Jurassic Park!
His plan was simple and absurd - he was going to convince the dinosaurs to invest in asteroid insurance. You read that right. With constructs from a world 65 million years into the future, he thought he would be able to sway prehistoric creatures into safeguarding their future against a celestial catastrophe they had no way of comprehending.
Armed with an unshakable belief in his plan, Reginald headed back in time. He soon discovered, as many time-traveling idealists inevitably do, that conversing with any form of life that has been dead for millions of years is slightly challenging. The language arts lesson he got from a screeching pterodactyl is a testament to that revelation.
Roaming the untouched jungles and majestic landscapes of the late Cretaceous, Reginald tried tirelessly to communicate with the dinosaurs. Imagine the scene - a lone, middle-aged, slightly chubby man in a lab coat, standing amidst towering leviathans of a bygone era, waving puppetry and colorful charts predicting meteor impact and extinction trends, in an earnest attempt to convey the need for catastrophe insurance.
While this bizarre spectacle was undoubtedly hilarious for any time-traveling spectator, the dinosaurs were less amused. If anything, the carnivores seemed to be pondering if this strange small creature waving papers and squawking was edible.
To cut the prehistoric odyssey short, let's just say that Reginald’s efforts were thoroughly unsuccessful. In the end, the dinosaurs, preoccupied with their daily rituals of eat or be eaten, paid little mind to the strange little creature and his doom-laden insurance plan.
Despite his failure, Reginald’s ludicrous escapade makes us question whether the past is truly something we should meddle with. Sure, a world with dinosaurs would be a sight to behold, but then again, humans being used as chew toys for T-rexes is something I’d rather see stay in Hollywood.
Ultimately, Reginald returned to his own timeline, minus his dignity and with an increased respect for the complexities of non-verbal communication. Will this dissuade him from another journey to the past? Probably not. But as spectators to this fantastic farcical spectacle, we can sincerely hope his future endeavors are as wholesomely hilarious as his dinosaur insurance plight. So here’s to Reginald Piblocks - the misguided time traveler with a heart as big as the sauropods he sought to save!
This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.