Monster Hunting Agency Tackles Cafeteria's Shrinking Portions

Jun 7, 2023, 6:02 AM

In recent developments, the Global Clandestine, an organization known for its fearless pursuit of monsters and its dedication to maintaining public innocence, has turned its focus inward. It has tasked its skilled agents with the important mission of addressing a monstrous issue that's been lurking within the agency itself: the decreasing portion sizes in their cafeteria.

The issue came to light during a routine debriefing session when junior field agent Greg McWellington raised his concerns about being inadequately fueled for his missions. He noted that the once golden and heaping servings of monster-slaying fuel had regressed to offering mere morsels that couldn't possibly sustain a full team on an expedition.

Using the skills acquired through years of hunting supernatural creatures, fellow agents at the Global Clandestine have decided to apply their expertise to this shrinking portion dilemma. Operation Cafeteria Crusade was launched, with agents refocusing their strength and skills from hunting paranormal beasts to investigating the mysterious disappearance of the cafeteria's famous jumbo meatloafs.

An anonymous source inside the Global Clandestine stated that the investigation led the agents to discover a trail of breadcrumbs, both proverbial and literal, leading straight to the bowels of the organization - the cafeteria kitchen.

Upon further exploration of this vital clue, it was found that the monstrous beings, which the Global Clandestine had been so vigilant in hunting down, had managed to infiltrate the cafeteria staff. These crafty creatures had quietly assumed control of the food supply, deliberately reducing the portion sizes in the hopes of weakening the agents. As we all know, a hungry agent is a less effective monster-hunter.

Affected agents have reported increased instances of growling stomachs and fainting spells, impacting their ability to perform at their full potential. In response, the Global Clandestine has vowed to purge the monstrous infiltration and restore normalcy to their once bountiful cafeteria.

In one particularly dramatic instance, an agent stumbled upon an entire stash of well-seasoned steaks hidden right under the kitchen's very floorboards, presumably stored there by the plump and devious creature masquerading as a cafeteria worker.

Efforts are now underway to apprehend the infiltrating monsters, ensuring a safe and nourishing dining experience for all agents at the Global Clandestine. In their statement on Operation Cafeteria Crusade, a spokesperson for the organization noted, "We take our agents' welfare extremely seriously, and any malicious attempts to starve them of their much-needed sustenance will be met with swift and decisive action."

As the Global Clandestine continues to sniff out the final traces of the monstrous presence within their ranks, it is clear that the cafeteria menu is poised for a renaissance, with mouth-watering dishes like the 'Ghoul Stew Surprise' and 'Vampire-Garlic Buster Pasta' being reintroduced to sate the appetites of the organization's hunger-weary agents.

In the meantime, agents have been provided with individual rations of energy bars and protein shakes, enabling them to continue their vital work of monster hunting and maintaining public innocence. Always vigilant, ready to face all manner of threats lurking in the shadows, the Global Clandestine has proven that no cafeteria monster will keep them from their duty.

This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.