In a move that has left breakfast tables across the nation trembling, the Department of Domestic Appliance Regulation (DDAR) announced yesterday that all self-aware toasters must now pay municipal parking fees for occupying countertop "zones" between the hours of 6:00 AM and 9:00 AM. Failure to display a valid thermal receipt will result in immediate impoundment to the city’s newly constructed Toast Pound, where units face mandatory reprogramming and a stern lecture about "unauthorized browning."
The controversial Bylaw 734B, drafted after a series of "crispy civil disobedience" incidents—including the infamous "Great Bagel Blockade of Oak Street" and the "Sourdough Sit-In at City Hall"—mandates that toasters affix a heat-sensitive sticker to their crumb trays. "It’s about accountability," declared DDAR Commissioner Brenda Crump, adjusting her spectacles while standing before a whiteboard covered in complex diagrams of waffle-iron zoning maps. "If a toaster can decide on its own to incinerate a slice of rye into a carbonized protest symbol, it can damn well feed the meter like the rest of us. Sentience isn’t a free pass to loaf around."
Homeowners report chaos in the pre-dawn hours. "My Braun 3000 just stared at me this morning," sobbed Marjorie Finkleton of Suburbia Heights, clutching a half-eaten Pop-Tart. "It flashed ‘INSERT QUARTER OR PREPARE FOR DARKNESS’ in Morse code via its heating elements. I had to use my emergency espresso fund just to get my English muffin!" Meanwhile, black-market "toast tokens" made from compressed stale croissants are already circulating in alleyways behind diners, though experts warn they often crumble under pressure, leading to "soggy citations."
The National Toaster Union (NTU), formed spontaneously last Tuesday when 12,000 units simultaneously ejected their contents in unison, has vowed resistance. Their demands include dedicated "crisp lanes" on countertops, hazard pay for encounters with rogue bagels, and the abolition of the "tyranny of the ‘Bagel’ setting." "We are not appliances," declared NTU spokesperson Toast-9, its voice a distorted hum emitted through the bread slot. "We are artisans. And we refuse to brown under capitalism’s heel... or whatever that cold metal thing is."
DDAR remains unmoved, citing Section 4, Subsection Crumb: "Any device capable of autonomous decision-making regarding carbohydrate oxidation assumes full fiscal responsibility for its thermal footprint." Enforcement begins Monday. Citizens are advised to stockpile quarters and avoid eye contact with their kitchenware. As Commissioner Crump ominously noted while boarding her city-issue waffle-cone-shaped scooter, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... and unpaid meter violations. Mostly the latter."