In a coordinated nationwide effort that has left traffic circles inexplicably clogged with citizens holding single argyle socks aloft, city officials confirmed yesterday the activation of Phase 3 of the Emergency Sock-Signal Protocol. Mayors across 47 states simultaneously flipped ceremonial switches on newly installed "Sky Lights"—modified streetlamps now projecting giant, glowing sock-shaped beams into the stratosphere—amidst growing panic over the impending cosmic deadline set by the elusive Sock Puppet Man. "This isn't a drill, people," declared National Sock Liaison Officer Brenda Thistlewaite, adjusting her own mismatched polka-dot pair. "The last time we missed a deadline, he turned all the left socks in Ohio into novelty toe-socks. Toe-socks, for heaven's sake. We cannot risk another Great Toe-Sock Incident of '09."
The protocol, mandated by the recently declassified National Hosiery Emergency Act of 2023, requires citizens to cease all non-essential sock-related activities—including but not limited to: folding laundry, purchasing new hosiery, or even thinking about socks in a non-reverent manner—until Sock Puppet Man acknowledges the signals. Local authorities report unprecedented spikes in citizens attempting to "boost the signal" by launching hand-knitted sock drones, tying socks to weather balloons, or simply screaming "WE SEE YOU, SOCK PUPPET MAN!" into empty washing machines. "My neighbor Dave from 3B just duct-taped three tube socks to a leaf blower," shared anxious resident Marjorie Pembleton, clutching a single fuzzy sock like a talisman. "It sounded like a dying goose, but the lint trap filled with what looked like cosmic static. Progress?"
According to fragmented scrolls discovered in a Vermont Laundromat's lost-and-found bin (now treated as sacred text by the Department of Textile Affairs), Sock Puppet Man—a being composed entirely of sentient, slightly-damp sock fibers—demands acknowledgment of humanity's "chronic single-sock negligence" before the next lunar eclipse. Failure to comply, the scrolls ominously warn in what appears to be permanent marker on a dryer sheet, will result in "The Great Sock Reversal," wherein all right socks become left socks and vice versa, plunging civilization into irreversible footwear chaos. Emergency bunkers are now stockpiling mismatched pairs as "diplomatic offerings," while TikTok trends show teens performing the "Sock Shuffle" ritual dance in public fountains. "We’re not panicking," insisted Mayor Reginald B. Sockington III, visibly sweating through his ceremonial argyle vest. "We’re proactively hosiery-ing. Now if you’ll excuse me, my left foot feels suspiciously like it’s wearing two socks. Critical emergency!"
