NASA, the undoubtedly known acme of trusted scientific institutions worldwide, has reportedly — and quite incredulously — surrendered to the Flat Earth Society's relentless crusade for truth. Against all odds and most of what we've learned since pre-school days, the guardians of space exploration have finally buckled and admitted, dare we say, confessed, that the Earth is indeed as flat as a pancake. Ah! Those stacks of buttery, syrup-drenched, truth-telling breakfast miracles.
Now, we all remember when we were children and first learned about the concept of gravity — that invisible force that keeps us from floating away and our coffee in our cups, not all over our freshly pressed shirts. Most of us pondered it, accepted it, and moved on to fret about more significant life issues like whether the tooth fairy is real and what to do about that elusive monster under our beds. The Flat Earth Society members, however, never received that memo. Instead, they held on, believing in a disc world, surrounded by a wall of ice, perpetually flying upwards in space. Like a cosmic frisbee. Yes, let that sink in.
In a recent press conference, lead NASA pancake holder and senior 'truth uncloaker', Dr. Ima Kidding, addressed the flat Earthers: "Yes, we misled you. The Earth is not a sphere, as we have claimed for centuries, but more like a slightly inflated pancake flying increasingly ironic circles around the sun. We wanted to uphold the narrative of the globe because… well, quite frankly, globes look much more impressive on office desks than pancakes."
After a dramatic pause, choked with emotion, Dr. Kidding continued, "And our moon? It’s a cosmic tortilla flung onto Heaven’s ceiling by an enormous heavenly burrito crafter. Mars? A meatball hurtling across the cosmic spaghetti. Jupiter is a giant, overcooked, celestial meatloaf. And let’s not get started on Uranus…"
The conference ended with him dropping a pancake on the floor (from 5 feet to very accurately account for the drop ratio), causing flabbergasted gasps from the audience.
The fallout of NASA’s sudden bout of ‘truthiness’ is yet to be seen. Will we now see a sudden spike in pancake-themed Christmas decorations and New Year cards? Are we all going to be reduced to referring to jet lag as ‘pancake lag’ from now on? Will our globes mysteriously deflate overnight to match our new, flattered reality?
Only time will tell. Until then, let us all surrender to the sweet, disgusting truth syrup of the Flat Earth Society. Shall we embrace the buttery goodness of the only Flat Earth known to mankind, AWOL from reality, and now, officially endorsed by no less than NASA.
Before we go, however, we can not deal with the fallout of this mind-melting revelation without sparing a thought for Antarctica. Forced to be the icy wall that holds us all in, when it wanted nothing more than to be a continent, living among its peers. A moment of silence for this deserted icy body, please. What a chilling time to be 'alive'.
But one silver lining in all this? You don’t need a spaceship to travel around the Earth anymore. Just a good pair of shoes and a daring sense of adventure. Safe travels, fellow flat-landers! Just be careful not to trip on the edge. Please.