Nation Announces Bold New Initiative to “Do Absolutely Nothing,” Calls It a “Null-Based Strategy”
WESTMINSTER, TUESDAY — In a move experts are describing as “either a radical simplification of governance or the logical endpoint of modern bureaucracy,” the government today unveiled its latest flagship policy platform: Null.
Standing at a lectern positioned carefully in front of a blank backdrop, the Prime Minister delivered a statement comprised of several meaningful pauses and a confident expression that sources confirm was “workshopped extensively.”
“Today,” the Prime Minister began, before stopping to look thoughtfully into the middle distance, “we choose… null.”
The room erupted into the kind of applause that only occurs when nobody is entirely sure what else to do.
A Comprehensive Vision, Deftly Devoid of Content
According to a newly released 400-page white paper titled “Null: A Future-Free Framework for a Modern Britain”, the strategy aims to address the nation’s challenges by eliminating the distractions of plans, timelines, and outcomes.
The document contains:
A foreword that reads, “”
Twelve chapters composed of numbered headings followed by reassuring whitespace
An appendix listing the government’s preferred font for saying nothing (Calibri, “for its quiet authority”)
A senior civil servant, speaking on condition of anonymity because they hadn’t technically been assigned to exist on the project, explained the thinking.
“Look, people are tired,” they said. “They’re tired of broken promises, half-delivered reforms, and having to pretend they understand acronyms. Null cuts through the noise. It’s not left. It’s not right. It’s not even there.”
Opposition Furious Government Has “Outflanked Them with Empty Space”
The Leader of the Opposition condemned the plan as “a reckless void that will disproportionately affect working families,” adding that the government had “no mandate to implement a vacuum at this scale.”
When pressed on what their own party would do instead, the Opposition leader announced a competing proposal: “Null, But Fairer.”
“This government’s null is chaotic,” they said. “Our null will be disciplined. Responsible. Fully costed.”
Shadow ministers later clarified the party’s position in a briefing note reading, “We would not rule out doing nothing, but we would do it with integrity.”
Think Tanks Rush to Monetise the Absence of Policy
Within minutes of the announcement, policy institutes across the country published urgent reports attempting to interpret the implications of a concept that is, by design, not a concept.
The Centre for Strategic Affairs and Other Things released a 72-slide deck titled “Null and the New Geopolitical Quiet: How Doing Nothing Could Still Be Something”, concluding that:
Null is inevitable
Null is disruptive
Null is an opportunity
Null requires immediate funding
Meanwhile, the Institute for Fiscal Prudence warned that null could trigger “significant economic uncertainty,” mainly because the Treasury’s budgeting software has begun returning the error message: “Input: null. Output: also null.”
Tech Sector Delighted: “We’ve Been Shipping Null for Years”
Britain’s tech leaders welcomed the strategy, describing it as “deeply aligned” with the industry’s long-standing commitment to delivering features called “Coming Soon” that never arrive.
“Honestly, this is refreshing,” said the CEO of a major app company. “Finally, a government that understands the power of a roadmap that’s just a tasteful rectangle.”
Several firms immediately announced “Null-as-a-Service” platforms, promising enterprise-grade nothing with:
99.99% uptime
end-to-end encryption (for your absence of data)
“seamless integration with your existing lack of systems”
One startup is reportedly offering Null AI, a tool that automatically generates empty emails, blank meeting agendas, and non-committal Slack replies such as “Noted” and “Let’s circle back,” all while consuming the electricity of a small town.
Public Reaction Mixed, Mostly Because There Wasn’t Much to React To
Across the country, citizens attempted to form opinions about the announcement, only to find the story stubbornly refusing to be held.
“I’m angry,” said one commuter outside King’s Cross. “About what? I don’t know. But I’m angry in principle.”
Others expressed relief.
“Look, for once they’re being honest,” said a nurse. “I’m used to politicians promising the moon and delivering a leaflet about the moon. At least this time the leaflet is blank.”
A focus group convened by the Department for Measuring Things That Cannot Be Measured found that 52% of respondents supported null, 31% opposed it, and 17% asked if it was “that new streaming service.”
Experts Warn of “Null Creep” in Everyday Life
Academics are now concerned that null may spread beyond policy into society itself.
Professor Helen Dray, Chair of Post-Meaning Studies at the University of Somewhere, believes the nation may be entering a “Late Null” period.
“First you get null policies,” she explained. “Then null interviews. Null relationships. Null hobbies. People will begin proudly announcing they’ve taken up ‘nothing’ and insisting it’s very demanding.”
Dray cited early evidence: a growing number of gym classes marketed as “ZeroFit”, where participants lie on mats in silence while an instructor periodically whispers, “Engage your core, but like, spiritually.”
The Budget: “We’re Not Raising Taxes. We’re Not Lowering Them Either.”
Chancellor of the Exchequer later held a press conference to outline the fiscal element of Null.
“We will not raise taxes,” the Chancellor said. “We will also not lower them. We will maintain them in a quantum state of fiscal potential.”
Asked how public services would be funded under a null approach, the Chancellor replied, “By the same method that has sustained them for years: hope, overstretched staff, and the occasional bake sale.”
The Chancellor then unveiled a new “Null Bond,” which citizens can purchase as a “safe investment in the concept of nothing changing.”
Analysts note the bond yields precisely 0%, though the government insists it will “deliver stability through non-delivery.”
International Community Unsure How to Respond to Something Not Happening
World leaders are reportedly struggling to draft statements about the announcement without accidentally implying substance.
A spokesperson for the United Nations said, “We welcome the government’s…,” then stopped, frowned, and asked if they could “just publish a respectful silence.”
The EU issued a carefully worded communiqué reading, in full: “…”
Diplomats confirm back-channel talks are ongoing to determine whether null violates any treaties, or whether it technically counts as “compliance by omission.”
Government Promises Transparency, Publishes Completely Clear Empty Dashboard
In a bid to reassure citizens, the Cabinet Office launched an online Null Dashboard, where users can track the government’s progress in real time.
The site features:
A progress bar permanently at 0% and 100% simultaneously
Key performance indicators reading “N/A” in bold
A “Deliverables” section with a single bullet point: “None (On Track)”
A spokesperson described the platform as “the most honest performance management tool ever built.”
Looking Ahead to a Brighter, Quieter, Blank Future
Despite confusion, ministers remain upbeat, insisting null will unify the country.
“People are tired of division,” said one minister. “Null gives us something we can all share: the absence of anything to argue about, except whether this counts as something.”
At the end of the Prime Minister’s address, journalists attempted to ask questions, but were met with what Downing Street described as “a robust non-answer framework.”
As the Prime Minister left the room, they paused briefly to deliver a final line.
“We are listening,” they said. “To what? We won’t say. But we are listening.”
Then, with a solemn nod, they walked into a doorway marked EXIT, which led, according to witnesses, to an entirely blank corridor that may or may not exist.
At press time, the government confirmed it would be holding a full inquiry into null, chaired by a panel of experts, none of whom will be appointed.