In a move that has sent shockwaves through lunch counters nationwide, the newly formed Burger Condiment Oversight Bureau (BCOB) declared a Level 5 Saucepocalypse Alert yesterday after confirming 17,342 documented cases of ketchup being applied directly onto the patty instead of beneath the top bun. President Brenda "The Bun" Whipple signed Executive Order 69-B, mandating immediate corrective action and the deployment of federal condiment inspectors to all drive-thrus. "This isn't just sloppy," Whipple stated, her voice trembling with the weight of culinary treason, "this is an existential threat to the structural integrity of the handheld meal experience. We are this close to societal collapse." Violators now face mandatory re-education seminars featuring slideshows of "Correct vs. Catastrophic" ketchup distribution patterns.
The crisis escalated rapidly following a viral TikTok video showing a teenager in Des Moines applying ketchup after assembling the burger, a technique BCOB Director Clive Mustard (no relation to the condiment) called "culinary anarchy." Mustard, speaking from the newly constructed National Ketchup Placement Monitoring Center—a repurposed pickle factory—revealed chilling statistics: "Our thermal imaging satellites detected a 300% spike in post-assembly ketchup application during lunch hour. This isn't hunger; it's rebellion. We've even intercepted whispers of mayonnaise being used as a patty barrier. It’s chaos." The Bureau has begun issuing fines of $250 per errant droplet and threatening to revoke "Burger Citizenship" for repeat offenders. Local mayors are now required to personally inspect condiment placement at city council meetings using calibrated droppers.
Citizens are reacting with a mix of panic and defiance. In suburban Chicago, 68-year-old Harold Grizzle was detained after attempting to apply ketchup via syringe directly into the patty's core, shouting, "The bun is a LIE!" Meanwhile, underground "Sauce Liberation Front" cells are distributing contraband ketchup packets labeled "FOR BUN USE ONLY (JUST KIDDING!)" at playgrounds. "They can take my knife and fork," sobbed Marjorie Flank at a protest outside City Hall, clutching a burger with ketchup visibly oozing from the side, "but they’ll never take my right to messy spontaneity!" The American Heart Association has controversially endorsed the crackdown, citing "reduced finger contamination incidents," while Big Ketchup stocks soared 400% as manufacturers rush to produce "BCOB-Approved Pre-Spotted Buns." More developments expected as the nation holds its breath—and its condiments—pending the Supreme Court's imminent ruling on whether mustard constitutes a "gateway sauce."