Netflix Announces "Coal Black and the Seven Vertically Challenged Individuals" in Bold Reimagining

In a move that has entertainment circles buzzing, Netflix has greenlit what executives are calling a "fresh perspective" on the classic Snow White tale, featuring a male lead with dark complexion and seven companions of diminutive stature.

The streaming giant's new production, tentatively titled "Coal Black and the Seven Vertically Challenged Individuals," will star rising actor Darnell Washington as the fairest one of all, who flees into the forest after his jealous stepfather, the King (to be played by Meryl Streep), attempts to have him eliminated for threatening his status as "fairest in the land."

"We wanted to break the glass ceiling—or in this case, the glass coffin," explained Netflix content chief Belinda Rodriguez. "Why should princesses have all the fun of being poisoned and kissed without consent?"

The seven forest dwellers have also undergone significant character development. No longer defined by simplistic emotional states or nasal conditions, they now include a cryptocurrency entrepreneur, a gluten-free baker, a CrossFit instructor, a podcast host, a social media influencer, a life coach, and one who just vapes a lot.

The poisoned apple has been replaced with an açaí bowl that's been left out too long, while the magic mirror is now an Instagram filter that tells users they could look 30% better with the premium subscription.

Disney executives were reportedly seen hyperventilating into paper bags upon hearing the news, while Twitter users have already generated enough hot takes to solve the global energy crisis.

Production begins next month in Portland, where the forest scenes will be filmed in an actual forest, or as locals call it, "a coffee shop with slightly more plants than usual."