I never thought I would be one of those people, but here I am, writing a cautionary tale about dating a vegan when you love meat. And let me tell you, it did not end well.
It all started with a swipe right on a dating app. Her profile picture was cute, and her bio mentioned something about "saving the planet, one veggie burger at a time". I thought it was endearing, and I messaged her.
We hit it off over text, and decided to meet for dinner at a trendy vegan restaurant downtown. I was a bit nervous, but I figured I could handle one meal without meat.
We arrived at the restaurant and were seated at a cozy table by the window. The menu was full of foreign words I couldn't pronounce, and I had no idea what to order. She suggested we share the "quinoa and kale salad with cashew cheese", and I reluctantly agreed.
The salad arrived, and I have to admit, it looked pretty good. I took a bite, and it wasn't bad. But it was no steak. I tried to make small talk, but it was clear we had nothing in common. She talked about animal rights and the evils of the meat industry, while I silently mourned the loss of bacon in my life.
Suddenly, a loud rumbling noise interrupted our conversation. I was mortified to realize it was coming from my stomach. I had never been so hungry in my life.
She must have noticed my discomfort, because she suggested we go back to her place for dessert. I eagerly agreed, hoping there would be something I could sink my teeth into.
We arrived at her cozy apartment, and she disappeared into the kitchen for a moment. When she emerged, she was holding a tray of cookies. I reached for one, but she stopped me.
"They're vegan," she said with a smile.
I took a bite, and my heart sank. They were dry, tasteless, and worst of all, not real cookies. I couldn't take it anymore.
"I'm sorry, I can't do this," I blurted out. "I need meat in my life."
She looked confused, and a bit offended. "But what about the environment? And the poor animals?"
I shook my head. "I can't do it. I need a burger. And bacon. And a steak. I'm sorry."
And with that, I left. I went straight to the nearest diner and ordered the biggest burger on the menu. It was greasy, juicy, and everything I had been missing that night.
But the story doesn't end there. The next day, I woke up covered in hives. I had never been allergic to anything before, but it was clear that something in that vegan meal had triggered a reaction.
I rushed to the doctor, who confirmed my worst fear: I had developed a severe allergy to soy, a common ingredient in vegan food.
I couldn't believe it. One bad date had ruined meat and soy for me forever.
So there you have it. The moral of the story? If you love meat, never go on a date with a vegan. And if you do, bring your own steak. You never know what unexpected consequences might arise.
