In a bizarre set of circumstances, the newly appointed White House Christmas carol singer isn't one of the usual choirboys or sensational singing divas. Oh no, the latest talent in the Oval Office famously dons a woolly Christmas suit and responds to the name of 'Rudolph', but don't think it's the reindeer we've all grown to love. Prepare yourself; this tale is more twisted than a 'Home Alone' plot - at least Kevin had the courtesy to trick the appropriate villains.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the chosen vocalist is none other than a convicted criminal, specifically a child sex offender – or should we say, 'off-key offender'? In an absurd twist of fate, he legally changed his name to 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer'. And, in a well-orchestrated public relations blunder, the White House extended this Rudolph a festive invite to serenade the officials with his horrifying Verizon Wireless-sounding voice. Our source in the administration likened the experience to "being serenaded by a tipsy flamingo with smoker's cough", with the "added horror of knowing he once sported an ankle bracelet."
Of course, there were gasps and unplanned spit-takes when the guests found out who this Rudolph really was. In what we can only imagine must have been an utter madhouse, there appeared to be more jaws on the ground than snowflakes in the Washington winter.
"Why can't we have someone nice like Mariah Carey or, you know, literally any other singer in the world?" we hear the lamenting officials cry. Well, it turns out, the contractual obligation to include 'All I Want For Christmas Is You' in her setlist predicted to instigate mass sleep-walking incidents forced the security brief to find an alternative. But Rudolph? That decision has us not only questioning their sanity, but also running out to buy earplugs in bulk.
In their defense, the White House claims, "We thought we were showing the Christmas spirit by giving him a second chance." But we can't help but feel this is more of a grimace-inducing lump of coal, rather than the gift of redemption. Unfortunately, this particular Rudolph is more adept at 'dashing away from consequences' than guiding Santa's sleigh.
Of course, Rudolph - the sex offender, not the famed carol - seemed quite pleased with his performance, chest puffed up more than his holiday-themed jingle bell costume. On leaving the stage, he gushed, "It was magical singing to such a captive audience." A statement that is now under review by HR. Still we all hang in anticipation (or dread) of what next year's Christmas shenanigans might bring. Will the Grinch be stealing not just Christmas but purloining the nation's goodwill too? Or will Frosty the Snowman be revealed as a secret Russian agent? One can only shudder at the possibilities.
So here's to next year's festivities, which are looking more like a circus show trial than a wholesome family holiday. One has to question: can it get any more absurd than this? And with bated breath we wait, hoping the answer isn't 'yes, it absolutely can'.