In a landmark decision that has left commuters both terrified and inexplicably nostalgic, the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) announced yesterday the immediate legalization of Mario Kart-style Blue Shells for nationwide highway congestion relief. Citing "decades of rubber-banding inefficiency" in traditional traffic flow models, NTSB Chair Jennifer Homestar declared the cobalt-hued projectiles "the only equitable solution to America’s lane-hogging epidemic." The ruling mandates that all vehicles traveling above 55 mph must now be equipped with retrofitted Blue Shell launchers, calibrated to automatically target the fastest-moving vehicle in any given 1.5-mile radius. "Why spend billions on infrastructure when you can simply shatter the leader’s hubris?" Homestar bellowed during the press conference, accidentally vaporizing a CNN reporter’s microphone with a demonstration shell. "This isn’t chaos—it’s kinetic equity redistribution."
The policy, dubbed "Operation Rainbow Road Reality Check," requires state DOTs to deploy "Shell Distribution Centers" at every major interchange. These facilities, staffed by contractors in suspiciously mushroom-shaped hard hats, will refuel vehicles with "Koopa Troopa-grade nitrous" to power the shells. Early adopters in Texas reported a 87% reduction in lane-hogging within hours, though also a 300% spike in drivers intentionally swerving into guardrails to avoid becoming "the blue target." Dr. Princess Toadstool, NTSB’s newly appointed Director of Competitive Balance, defended the chaos: "Traffic isn’t about who gets there first—it’s about ensuring no one feels safe. That’s the foundation of modern civility." She later clarified that "accidental turtle shell deployments during school zone hours" would be "handled case by case."
Department of Transportation officials admitted retrofitting costs could exceed $20,000 per vehicle but insisted the price would "drop dramatically once we stop paying actual engineers and just hire kids with GameCubes." Meanwhile, outraged commuters described surreal commutes: Brenda Kessler of Ohio recounted watching a Blue Shell "ricochet off three pickup trucks before obliterating a Starbucks drive-thru order kiosk," while Florida driver Chad "The Roach" Ramirez bragged about "faking a breakdown to bait shells then rubber-banding past the wreckage." The American Trucking Associations warned that "unleashing interdimensional physics on I-95" might violate the Geneva Conventions, but NTSB dismissed concerns, noting that "if it worked for Baby Mario, it’ll work for Baby Boomer retirees in Winnebagos." As of press time, Walmart announced a limited-edition "Blue Shell Defense Kit" featuring rearview mirror disco balls and bumper stickers reading "I Brake for Shell Zones."