NVIDIA RTX 7070 Leaked: The First GPU to Require a Mortgage and a Building Permit
The tech world was sent into a collective seizure this morning as leaked blueprints for the upcoming NVIDIA RTX 7070 hit the dark web, confirming rumors that the next generation of gaming will no longer fit under a desk, or indeed, within a standard residential zoning district.
The RTX 7070, codenamed "Project Continental Drift," is reportedly priced at a budget-friendly $10,000, a figure CEO Jensen Huang described in a leaked memo as "practically a gift to the peasantry." However, the price tag is the least of the consumer's worries, as the card’s physical dimensions require a dedicated 400-square-foot cooling chamber and a structural reinforcement of the Earth’s crust.
Early testers suggest that the card does not plug into a motherboard, but rather, the motherboard is soldered onto the card’s auxiliary exhaust vent. The 7070 features 1.4 petabytes of VRAM and a cooling system that utilizes a diverted stream from the Colorado River. While the performance is expected to run Cyberpunk 2077 at 16K resolution with "Ultra-Mega-Ray-Tracing" enabled, the heat output is sufficient to sous-vide a cow within a three-mile radius.
"We wanted to move away from the 'internal component' philosophy," said an anonymous NVIDIA engineer while wearing a lead-lined hazmat suit. "The RTX 7070 is an environment. You don't put it in your room; you live inside its airflow cycle. If you aren't willing to sacrifice your guest bedroom and your firstborn’s inheritance for 4,000 frames per second, do you even call yourself a gamer?"
The $10,000 MSRP is being hailed by industry shills as "disruptively affordable," considering the card doubles as a tactical space heater and a low-orbit satellite jammer. Scalpers have already begun listing pre-orders on eBay for the price of a small Mediterranean island or three kilograms of antimatter.
To power the unit, NVIDIA is partnering with local utility companies to offer the "Gamer-Grid" package, which involves installing a small, private modular nuclear reactor in the user's backyard. The card’s power connector is a literal high-voltage transmission cable that must be bolted directly into the local substation by a certified wizard.
Critics argue that the 7070 might be "slightly impractical" for those living in studio apartments, but NVIDIA has dismissed these concerns, suggesting that users simply "ascend to a higher plane of existence where physical space is irrelevant."
As of press time, the RTX 7080 is rumored to be the size of Delaware and will require the user to sign a treaty with the United Nations before installation.