Jul 12, 2023, 1:37 PM
Deep within the Skinner family scrapbook, lodged between sepia-tinted photographs of great-great-grandparents and cryptic letters written during the American Civil War, lies a treasured family secret: the Skinner Burger recipe.
The recipe's origin, dating back to the turn of the 19th century, was proudly attributed to Ol' Granny Skinner who, legend has it, conjured the inception of the Skinner burger during a full moonlit night. The grizzled patriarchal figure of the family, draped in a floral apricot evening dress, miraculously summoned the ingredients in a prophetic dream.
Every generation since then lovingly prepared and indulged in the delicacy, living by Granny Skinner's mantra, "Each bite of the Skinner Burger you take, bonds you closer to your ancestors".
However, a tumultuous storm brewed in this seemingly serene history of cherished grill sessions when, last Tuesday afternoon, the heir to the Skinner legacy, Toby Skinner, stumbled upon an appalling discovery.
Perusing the official United States Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO) database, Toby found that the Skinner burger recipe - his own family heirloom - had been patented. Yes, the exact recipe: a blend of hand-ground Angus beef, Worcestershire sauce, cracked black pepper, Himalayan pink salt, grated onion and sharp cheddar slice, to be grilled over oak wood and sandwiched between home-baked oatmeal buns.
Patented by none other than burger juggernaut, FastBite Inc. Unbelievable as it may sound, the corporate giant somehow got wind of the Skinner's guarded secret and shamelessly branded it as their own.
A flood of questions and a wave of indignation washed over the unsettled Skinner descendant. "How did this happen? Has anyone in the family ever shared this recipe?" Toby asked, his voice trembling in a cocktail of bafflement and anger.
His quest to seek answers led him to Uncle Burt, the family's eccentric bachelor, renowned horoscope reader and previously trusted keeper of the burger recipe. Soon, it became apparent that Uncle Burt had succumbed to the allure of the modern age – he'd been to his first ever cooking stream on BakersOfAether, an elite online cooking community.
Toby's worst fear came true when he realized that Uncle Burt had naively shared the Skinner burger recipe on the stream, assuming the crowd of anonymous watchers would be fellow culinary enthusiasts who'd only replicate, not exploit, the family heirloom.
Esther Skinner, Toby's mother, once the peacemaker of the household, was now spearheading her family's fiery riposte. She was ready to wage a David vs. Goliath battle against FastBite Inc.'s attorney powerhouse.
"Granny Skinner believed that a piece of her soul resided in every burger we ate," Esther revealed, her voice thick with determination. "I won't let some big corporation steal our family's soul!"
Meanwhile, FastBite Inc. remained nonchalant, neither accepting nor denying the accusations. Their spokesperson, brushing off these "ridiculous allegations," simply stated, "Nobody owns a recipe. We're merely protecting our unique blend and culinary artistry."
What the Skinner family assumed to be their birthright is suddenly part of a multimillion-dollar conglomerate's fast-food empire. Stunned and aggrieved, they now wait for the courtroom showdown, gripping their sacred copy of Granny's Burger Bible a little tighter at night.
Until then, family barbecues won't be the same. Each bite of the Skinner burger now tastes different - a blend of nostalgia, betrayal, and an impending legal battle. The "Skinner Burger Saga," as media has christened it, is undoubtedly going to be one savory story, promising twists and turns as unexpected as the combination of flavors in the disputed delicacy.
This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.