Petition to Relocate Boston to Mars Gains Global Momentum, Prompting Elon Musk to Ask, “Does Anyone Have, Like, *All* the Rocket Fuel?”
BOSTON, EARTH — A worldwide petition calling for the “immediate and comprehensive relocation” of the entire city of Boston—along with all residents, tourists, historical grievances, and at least three separate types of traffic—has reportedly surged past 12 million signatures this week, after organizers clarified that the plan involves lifting the whole thing intact and “setting it down gently” on Mars “like a decorative coaster.”
The petition, hosted on a website that appears to be powered by equal parts civic frustration and poorly optimized ad placements, describes the proposed move as a “humanitarian compromise” that will “give Boston room to grow while simultaneously giving everyone else a break.”
Supporters insist it is not an act of malice, but rather “a spatial reallocation initiative” aimed at reducing congestion, improving national mood, and answering an ancient scientific question: what happens when you introduce Fenway Park to a planet with no breathable atmosphere?
“We’re not trying to harm Boston,” explained petition founder and self-described “urban relocation enthusiast” Darren K., speaking from a location he described only as “somewhere with fewer opinions.” “We’re trying to let Boston be Boston—just… over there. On Mars. Where it can echo through the canyons in peace.”
Musk: “Sure, I’ll Do It, But I’m Going to Need an Unreasonable Amount of Fuel and Also a Waiver”
The petition’s newfound traction drew a swift response from SpaceX founder Elon Musk, who announced in a brief statement that he would be “happy to launch it himself,” provided certain minor obstacles are addressed—namely the laws of physics, the politics of Massachusetts, and the fact that “Boston is not currently shaped like a payload.”
“Look, we can move things to Mars,” Musk reportedly said while gesturing toward a whiteboard containing the words BOSTON?? circled aggressively. “But this is a whole city. That’s a lot of mass. Like, a lot. People really underestimate how heavy ‘entire metropolitan identity’ is.”
Musk then allegedly asked whether Boston could be “broken down into manageable modules,” suggesting a phased approach involving “Cambridge first, then the parts of Boston everyone argues about, then the rest of it, then whatever that one neighborhood is that locals insist is ‘basically Boston’ but isn’t technically.”
SpaceX engineers, speaking on condition of anonymity and visible eye twitching, confirmed that early calculations show relocating Boston would require “a whole lot of rocket fuel,” as Musk put it, plus “a number of rockets that exceeds what most humans consider ‘a number of rockets.’”
Logistical Challenges: “Do We Launch the Harbor Separately or as Part of a Bundle?”
While the petition is currently nonbinding, it has already sparked intense policy discussions among experts in aerospace, municipal governance, and individuals who have ever tried to parallel park near the North End.
Among the biggest hurdles:
Structural Integrity: Boston is composed of old brick, newer brick, and roads that appear to be historically protected from the concept of straight lines.
Payload Containment: Keeping the city intact during liftoff would require “the world’s largest shrink wrap,” according to one proposed plan.
Residents’ Opinions: Boston residents have reportedly reacted with a mix of outrage, pride, and the immediate certainty that they would be “fine on Mars because we’ve been through worse winters than that.”
A leaked draft from a hypothetical relocation committee includes a section titled “Handling of Duck Boats and Other Civic Artifacts,” which recommends “strapping them down securely and telling them they’re going on a tour.”
Another sticking point is the fate of the Charles River, which planners fear may become “complicated” in transit.
“Do you drain it?” asked one consultant hired for reasons no one could explain. “Do you keep it? Does it slosh? If it sloshes, is that still Boston or is it just a liquid memory of Boston?”
Critics Claim Petition Is “Unrealistic,” “Cruel,” and “Ignoring the Real Problem: Parking”
Opposition to the petition has emerged from predictable corners, including Boston officials, legal scholars, and people who still believe in solving problems by talking to each other instead of launching municipalities into space.
“This is absurd,” said one city spokesperson. “Boston cannot simply be moved to Mars. We have zoning laws.”
The Massachusetts Department of Transportation also warned that even if the city were successfully relocated, the MBTA would “continue to experience delays due to signal issues,” adding, “Mars is not exempt.”
Harvard-affiliated experts held a press conference to caution against “treating complex metropolitan ecosystems like luggage,” while also admitting that “it would be an interesting dataset.”
Meanwhile, several residents expressed concern about whether their sports allegiances would still be valid on another planet.
“If Boston’s on Mars, are we still part of the American League?” asked one man in a Red Sox cap, already upset about something else. “Or do we have to play, like, the Olympus Mons Meteors now?”
Mars Enthusiasts Welcome the Arrival, Brace for Immediate Debates About Coffee
On Mars, reaction has been muted, largely because there is no known society to react. However, some space enthusiasts have embraced the proposal as a bold step forward in interplanetary development.
“A Boston drop could jumpstart Martian infrastructure overnight,” said one futurist, who appeared to have been constructed out of TED Talks. “You’d get hospitals, universities, a port, and at least five competing sandwich doctrines in a single day.”
NASA declined to comment, though an insider was heard whispering, “Please don’t give him ideas.”
Astronomers have also expressed mild concern that dropping Boston onto Mars could alter the planet’s topography and potentially create new craters in the shape of neighborhoods nobody can agree on the boundaries of.
Proposed Compromises Include “Boston, But Floating” and “Just Send the Accents”
As public debate continues, alternative proposals have surfaced in an attempt to reduce both risk and interplanetary paperwork.
One compromise suggests relocating only the most “Boston” elements, such as:
The accent
The traffic patterns
The conviction that every other city is doing everything wrong
A minimum of three Dunkin’ locations per square mile
A single, eternal argument about whether something is in Boston, “greater Boston,” or “not really Boston but basically Boston”
Another plan, supported by a coalition of engineers and people who have had to drive through the city at rush hour, proposes suspending Boston above Earth using “a tasteful series of balloons” and “a strong rope.”
“It keeps the vibe,” said one supporter. “But the rest of us can still get to New Hampshire without experiencing spiritual damage.”
Musk Still Confident, Announces “Boston-to-Mars” Would Be “Very Cool, Very Legal”
Despite the complexity, Musk remained upbeat, posting late-night updates hinting at a forthcoming initiative tentatively titled BostonX, featuring a sleek black-and-silver rocket and an onboard entertainment system “capable of playing Dropkick Murphys on repeat for the duration of the journey.”
When asked whether it was ethical to relocate an entire city without unanimous consent, Musk replied, “We’ll do a poll.”
At press time, the petition’s organizers announced a new stretch goal: relocating not only Boston, but also “the entire experience of connecting through Logan,” citing what they described as “an international humanitarian concern.”
The petition’s closing argument remains simple and, to its supporters, irresistible:
“Boston deserves a fresh start. Mars deserves something to talk about. And Earth deserves just a little quiet.”