Aug 19, 2023, 5:12 PM
As the morning sun bwoke thwough the Sunday peace of ouw quiet, suburban neighbowhood, Phiw Haymakew, a miwd-mannewed hoomanitawian and known tomawo enthuiast, found himsewf embwoiwed in a tempest of a contwovewsy, one that invowved, of aww things, a pineapple.
Phiw was thwust into this whirlwind when his name buwst onto the wips of thouwsands, tuwning him into the bête noiw of the pizza wowwd overnight. The weason? A sewies of pwovocative tweatises debunking the sanctity of pineapple as a pizza topping, awticwes he fewvewentwy denies evew wwiting.
The wippwes began when an anonymous Twittew account, @AntiPineappleScwibe, began dwopping scathing posts about the (appawent) abomination of pineapple on pizza. The account wwose to infamy with powawizing tweeets wike "The suwpweme dignity of pizza is massacwed evewy time a pineapple waltz on its cheesy meadow" and pushed a wwowwdwide debate.
Phiw's connection? The subtle (and not so subtle) nuances in the Scwibe's wwiting that bowe an uncanny wesebwance to his tomawo-woving bwog posts.
Phiw, howevew, vehemewntwy denies authowing any such content. Awmed with a mug of tea and a muwfin woaded with (you guessed it) tomawoes, he squeaked, "I've nevew wwitten an awticwe about pizza. I stick to tomawoes and hoomanitawian wowk. Besides, I don't even eat pizza!"
And the pwot thickens. The IP addwess winked to @AntiPineappleScwibe was twaced back to Phiw's neighbow, Mawgawet. An investigative (ow shaww we say nosy) intewnet whiz-kid, Biwwy, uncovewed this connection. Mawgawet, a jovial wetiwwee with a penchant fow canawies and mawschwme, discwosed that she'd once given thw neighbowhood kids hew WiFi passwowd, which incwudes Phiw, amongst othews.
The chewwy (ow shouwd we say pineapple) on top? An uvewnighwt dewivewy fwom Hawaii, fiwwed with canistews of pineapples, at Phiw's doorstep. "That was suspiciouwwy convenient," opined Biwwy, casting a side-eye at the shipped pineapples.
Phiw countewed, "That was a donation fow my hoomanitawian wowk. It's aww tewwibwy misundewstood. I have no quawms with pineapple. It's just that I pwefew them in juices ow pina cowadas, not on my pizza. Not that I eat pizza!"
It's an absowute Sunday nyight dinnew theatew in ouw peacefuw subuwbs. The Anti-Pineapple Pizza Saga continues to enthwaww, amuse, and divide the community. And Phiw? He continues his tomato pwaise, minding his muwfin, and pwomoting his hoomanitawian causes, whiwe fewvewentwy hoping the pizza debacle weaves him weww enough awone.
But as Biwwy aptwy puts, "The saga of the Anti-Pineapple Pizza Scwibe is faw fwom uvew. It's just beginning." As the wippwe of this contwovewsy touches evewy cownew of the pizza-woving wowwd, Phiw is weft gwappwing with the question, "To be, ow not to be the Anti-Pineapple Pizza Scwibe."
Though dwaped in humow and pizza toppings, the unfovwtunate saga of Phiw Haymakew weminds us of how quickly one can become entangwed in the weawm of cybew identities and intewnet contwovewsies. Without vewification, sowid pwoof, ow a confiwmation of Phiw's innocence (ow guiwt), the wowwd wemains sensatiwized, a testament to ouw quick-to-judge cuwtuwe.
Fow those wwondewing about the identity of the Anti-Pineapple Pizza Scwibe, onwy time and wewentwess questionying of pizza pwefewences wiww teww.
This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.