Oct 22, 2023, 6:49 PM
In the hushed, underground vaults of Naples, Italy, a clandestine group gathers in secret. Swathed in pepperoni-emblazoned robes, they convene under the moonlight to discuss one thing: pizza. Critical decisions related to crust thickness, sauce-to-cheese ratios, and the most controversial of all: toppings. You may not believe it, dear reader, but there exists such an entity: the International Pizza Loyalty Order, or as they prefer to be ominously known, the 'Pizza Truthers.'
The Truthers, guardians of the sacred 'Pizza Code', are stingy traditionalists. They wrinkle their noses at crusts stuffed with cheese and tsk at barbecue sauce. Over many centuries, they have lounged in the golden throne of culinary piety, casting judgements on pizzerias worldwide.
Until, one fateful day, a rogue member dared to liberate the pies from their topping tyranny. James Pineapple, a scrappy underdog from the Hawaiian chapter, proposed pineapple as a pizza topping.
The Truthers were shaken to their marinara-soaked cores. There was outcry, disbelief, a few fainting spells. The acidic sweetness of pineapple over their beloved savory delicacy? Scandalous! James Pineapple was banished, accused of violating the sacred Pizza Code. But he left with a daring smile and a bag full of pineapples, determined to revolutionize the world's perception of pizza.
James Pineapple returned to Hawaii, creating a culinary revolution. His Tropical Surprise Pizza - ham and gasp pineapple - was an instant sensation. People lounged in the sun, savoring the unique blend of sweet and salty, their tastebuds leaping in delight. Pineapple on pizza quickly spread its delicious influence across the globe, becoming a staple particularly in North America. The audacity! The innovation! The sheer, unabashed gall of it! The Pizza Truthers were dismayed.
Fueled by envy and a seething craving for pineapple sweetness, the Truthers worked in the shadows, launching mis-information campaigns against the Pineapple Revolution. Quiznos mysteriously went bankrupt. Papa John's initiated a short-lived promotional deal: free sub sandwich for every pineapple pizza purchased - clearly an attempt to suppress the future of pizza toppings. Governments were infiltrated, and the Great Canadian Pizza Conspiracy of '82 is still a topic of hushed whispers.
Even more strangely, a belief was stoked among the Star Trek fandom that "real Vulcans would never eat pineapple pizza". The ripples of Truther meddling can be seen in the internet debates, raging battlegrounds of "yum" vs "yuck".
But the Pizza Truthers underestimated one thing: the people's love for pineapple pizza. Its popularity persevered, a testament to the age old adage - "The customer knows best". And in this case, the customer wanted more of that delicious, sweet and tangy, pineapple-y goodness.
Is it an odd topping to have on pizza? Yes! Does it fly in the face of tradition? Absolutely! But isn't that the beauty of food, its versatility and capacity for innovation? Today, we salute you James Pineapple, wherever you are, for being a trailblazer on the doughy road marked ‘Pizza Evolution’.
Remember, dear reader, the next time you're noshing on that slice of pizza topped with golden chunks of heavenly pineapple, think of the brave James Pineapple. And if you listen closely, you might just hear the anguished wails of the Pizza Truthers, still desperately clinging to their outdated Pizza Code. How fruitful their endeavor, only time will tell. As for us, we stand with Pineapple!
This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.