Planet Earth Condensed into Quantum Smoothie: The Infinite Monkey Paradox Strikes Again!

Sep 15, 2023, 1:32 PM

Last month, in an attempt to solve the creative crisis, "The Wibble" recruited an infinite number of monkeys and gave them an infinite number of typewriters. Well, technically not typewriters but cutting edge quantum computers. But who cares about the specifics? We thought it was a no-brainer, the best way to generate more unfiltered comedy gold, am I right? I mean, an infinite number of monkeys, guys! Infinite! Now, it appears that not all problems can be solved by aping around in quantum spaces.

As you're reading this, yes, the Earth has been squeezed into a black hole, and we're all now living in a quantum smoothie. Surprisingly, everything looks quite the same, except that your distance from the grocery store is now potentially infinite and instant at the same time. Thank frigging quantum superposition!

There is a loophole or wormhole if we look at the bright (or dark?) side. Our commute could either be super long, or we might step into the grocery store just by getting off our couch. It's either or, and it depends on when you decide to measure it! But then again, does it even matter, we're all doing online grocery shopping now, right?

The twist in our tale begins with a theorem, a theorem that says given an infinite amount of time, monkeys randomly pressing keys would eventually produce the complete works of Shakespeare. We called it the 'Infinite Monkey Theorem.' No, we didn't invent it, some ancient grumpy scholars did, but we certainly took it too far.

But instead of timeless poetry, what do we get? We get a black hole!

And how exactly did it happen, you might wonder. Long story short. Monkeys plus quantum computers plus idle time equals... quantum blender settings! Apparently, one of the monkeys managed to reprogram one of the quantum computers to solve the unified theory equation, which triggered a series of events leading to Earth's implosion.

Talk about getting sucked into your work.

Now there's good news and there's bad news. The good news is, due to time dilation effects, we could potentially see half-priced Christmas sales forever! The bad news is... well, we did mention the infinite commute, didn't we?

Well, here at "The Wibble", we stand by our monkey friends. They were just doing what we expected them to - pushing buttons and playing around with infinite probabilities. Who knew they'd also experiment with the probability of turning Earth into a black hole?!

But fret not, dear readers. As we all adjust to our new infinite lives, expect more outrageous, black-hole-busting humor from us. And remember, the next time you see a monkey, give it a banana, not a typewriter... or a quantum computer.

This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.