Police Seeking Man Who Bent Clippy the Office Assistant into a Straight Wire

In one of the most egregious acts of desktop anarchy we've ever seen, local authorities are currently hunting down a suspect who allegedly bent Clippy, the beloved digital office assistant, into a straight wire. Yes, you heard it right - Clippy, the little paperclip that tirelessly offered you unsolicited advice in Microsoft Office, has been metaphorically and literally straightened out.

Described by witnesses as a man with 'a grudge against helpful office supplies,' the suspect was last seen fleeing from the scene of the crime, clutching a disfigured piece of metal that used to be Clippy. The incident occurred late Tuesday evening, just as the office was wrapping up a particularly grueling day of spreadsheets and passive-aggressive email threads.

Authorities believe this wasn’t a random act of vandalism but a premeditated assault on office morale. 'Clippy was not just a digital assistant; he was a symbol of persistence and mildly annoying optimism,' said Office Manager Linda Deskington. 'To see him reduced to a mere paperclip—it’s like watching the spirit of the office being crushed.'

Historically, Clippy has had a complicated relationship with office workers. First introduced in the late 90s, Clippy's constant interruptions were a source of both minor annoyance and profound existential dread. 'I feel like he was always there, waving his little paperclip arms and suggesting things no one asked for,' recalled one teary-eyed employee. 'But now I realize, he just wanted to help. He didn’t deserve this.'

According to forensics, Clippy's metallurgical properties were altered carefully and methodically. The paperclip wasn’t just bent; it was painstakingly transformed into a completely straight wire—an act that requires not just malicious intent but also a disturbing familiarity with office supplies.

Microsoft has yet to release a statement on the matter, but tech analysts warn this may be part of a larger trend of aggression against digital assistants. 'First, it was Clippy, and who knows what's next? Siri turned into a Bluetooth earpiece? Alexa reduced to a mere set of speakers?' pondered digital anthropologist Dr. Byte.

While the hunt for the culprit continues, office workers around the globe are left to process this startling crime. In breakrooms and Zoom calls, the discussions are the same: Clippy's fate has become a stark reminder of the fine line between criticism and cruelty. As Linda Deskington poignantly put it, 'You never know what you've got until it's a straightened out piece of wire.'

So, if you happen to encounter a man wielding a suspiciously straight piece of metal, do remember—he's not just a threat to office supplies; he's a threat to nostalgia itself. And who knows? Perhaps in a strange twist of fate, Clippy might make his triumphant return in some new form, maybe a binder clip next time. Until then, hold your paperclips close and your digital assistants closer.