In an announcement that has left the Catholic world and pasta lovers everywhere simultaneously stunned and delighted, Pope Francis has declared his resignation from the Vatican to embrace a more carb-centric theology. Starting immediately, he will be donning the colander hat and adopting the title of 'Most Holy Noodly Pirate,' as he joins the ranks of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM).
The decision comes after a period of deep contemplation and a series of vivid dreams involving giant meatballs and divine strands of spaghetti, which Pope Francis took as a sign from the FSM Himself. "It is a call I cannot ignore," the Pope said in his official resignation letter. "The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster has shown me a more flavorful path to enlightenment."
Vatican insiders report a mix of shock, amusement, and hunger at the news. Cardinals are now scrambling to issue a response, while many have been spotted secretly googling recipes for spaghetti carbonara. Meanwhile, members of the FSM Church are overjoyed, planning a grand welcome party featuring a pirate ship float and an endless buffet of pasta dishes.
In a gesture of goodwill and to mark his official transition, Pope Francis has ordered the Vatican gardens to be replanted with wheat and tomatoes, aiming to produce the Vatican's very own pasta. "It’s a sign of our openness to new forms of spirituality and carbs," a Vatican spokesperson said, dodging flying spaghetti as he spoke.
As the world watches in bemused silence, the former Pope's first official act as a Pastafarian was to declare every Friday a 'Pasta Day' - a tradition he hopes will spread 'sauce and peace' across the globe. He also hinted at a new commandment: 'Thou shalt honor thy pasta as thyself.'
As rumors swirl about who will succeed Francis in the Vatican, the man himself appears unbothered, last seen sailing into the sunset aboard the 'SS Marinara,' his newly acquired pirate ship. Whether or not the Catholic Church is ready for this noodly shift, the world can only watch and wait—with a fork in hand.
