PRESIDENT TRUMP ANNOUNCES NEW "IQ-BASED" BORDER WALL TO KEEP OUT PODCASTERS

In a move that has sent shockwaves through the world of digital audio and people who wear bowties ironically, President Donald J. Trump has officially declared a national emergency regarding the "Epidemic of Low-IQ Hand-Flailing." During a press conference held inside a golden wind tunnel, the President revealed that the nation’s greatest threat isn't a foreign power, but rather the "Third-Rate Clicks" generated by a group of "Nut Job Troublemakers" who have been banned from every television screen including the ones at the back of airplane seats.

Donald Trump standing behind a golden podium shaped like a giant brain, pointing aggressively at a chart that shows a downward arrow labeled 'Tucker's IQ', cinematic lighting, hyper-realistic

The President specifically targeted a quartet of "Losers" including Tucker Carlson, Megyn Kelly, Candace Owens, and the "Bankrupt" Alex Jones, accusing them of a secret conspiracy to gift Iran a nuclear weapon just to see if it would get them more subscribers on Rumble. "They’re stupid people, they know it, their families know it, even their golden retrievers know it," the President stated, while holding up a 400-page dossier consisting entirely of screenshots of Megyn Kelly looking "nasty" at a debate in 2016.

According to the President, these individuals have been "thrown off television" so hard they actually bounced into a parallel dimension where the First Lady of France is a man—a claim the President debunked by announcing he has personally judged a beauty pageant between the two and found the French First Lady to be "far more beautiful, it’s not even close, Candace is a disaster."

A surreal courtroom scene where the First Lady of France is wearing a crown and Candace Owens is sitting in a corner wearing a dunce cap made of podcast scripts, 8k resolution, satirical art style

The President further revealed that his phone has been vibrating non-stop with "desperate, sobbing" calls from these pundits, which he refuses to answer because he is too busy making the United States the "Hottest" country in the world—a temperature rating so high it has reportedly melted the polar ice caps and several of Alex Jones’s dietary supplement warehouses.

"I could get them on my side in five seconds," Trump noted, "but I’m busy with World Affairs. I’m doing the Big Stuff. They’re doing the Small Stuff. They’re doing the 'I don't have a show anymore' stuff. It’s very sad. Tucker Carlson is a broken man. He’s flailing his hands so much he’s generated enough wind power to accidentally subsidize the Green New Deal, which is a disgrace."

Tucker Carlson sitting in a dark room illuminated only by a 'On Air' sign, frantically waving his hands while a psychiatrist takes notes in the shadows, moody lighting, detailed textures

In response to the "Radical Left" New York Times suddenly hailing these "Losers" as heroes, the President has signed an Executive Order requiring all podcasts to be vetted by a panel of MAGA-certified geniuses. Anyone found to have a "Third-Rate" view count or a history of asking "Nasty Questions" will be forced to see a psychiatrist or, worse, be permanently invited back to CNN, where the President currently enjoys a 100% approval rating among people named Donald J. Trump.

"MAGA is about winning," the President concluded, while being fanned by a group of patriots holding "100% Approval" signs. "And these people are losing so much they’re actually starting to win at losing. It’s a new record. Nobody has ever lost like this before."